Out There
by noelle.cloud
Summary: Story takes places as Khan remains on the ship he took over near the end of Into Darkness. His intend is to stay hidden for a while as he figures out what to do next. Who happens to be on the ship? A woman! Khan does not let her leave. These are simply excerpts of the life they spend together on that ship.
1. Delineate

There were periods of times when Khan would be sad. He would just lay around, leaning against things, covering his head and saying nothing. I would rub his shoulders and whisper into his ear, trying my hardest for him to tell me what was bothering him.

Khan told me it was mainly because of me. He knew how I didn't like being on the ship but he couldn't bring himself to get us away. I felt pretty uncomfortable talking about it, though. It was something that he was doing wrong and I was consoling him for it.

I hated to see him like that. That was probably why I stuck around with him during those times. He'd look droopy and depressed, and I did love him. Khan's hair would be flat and eyes watery; childlike. I wanted to hug and kiss him, bring him in my arms and spin him around like a baby. I wanted to tickle him and make Khan laugh. He'd wrap himself up in our blanket and I'd hug him to my body. Sometimes he'd cry in my lap, saying that he never knew what was the right thing to do.

_I walked into the bedroom, jumping on the bed next to Khan. He was sitting cross-legged, mighty wrapped up in a book. _

_"What book is that?" I asked, sitting next to him. He looked at me, then the book, smiling. _

_"Peter Pan. Here, look at this: 'All the world is made of faith, trust and pixie dust'," Khan said, chuckling a bit. I had leaned in close to read it, too, and he playfully kissed me nose. We giggled together and leaned back again._

_"I wish," I added. _

A lot of nights had me waking up. Although I grew used to the hum of the ship, it sometimes awoke me. I'd often lean forward, pulling the blankets of me and extending my arm in search for Khan. I'd open my eyes to an empty left-side of the bed.

_Feeling slightly annoyed, I slowly slump to my feet, the cool tiled floor making me shiver, and begin to teeter outside. I pressed the door button to exit and made my down the hall. Near the end, I could see Khan's blackened silhouette as he worked around in the Control room. I sighed, unable to tale Khan away from his work. He'd be angry with me anyways. I returned back to our bedroom and fell asleep alone._

_I slowly awoke, blinking my eyes open and turning around. Khan was there, sleeping over the blanket and hands curled up underneath his head. I watched him quietly as his chest rose and fell. His face looked tired and worn out, and he was still wearing yesterdays clothing. I leaned forward, planting a warm kiss on his forehead. After I got out from the bed, I pulled the blanket away from Khan and laid it on him completely. I walked off, heading into the kitchen to make us breakfast. _

I suppose I did hurt Khan a lot in those two years. Somehow, though, during those times, I justified my actions on accounts for what he was doing to me; the eternal solitude he had use set up in. I would use my emotions against him, often crying and begging him to change our circumstances. Crying would consist of either angry, furious crying, with screaming and shout, or depressed crying, with quivering and whispers. Both would make Khan uneasy. He performed both these tactics on me, too, and I believed we were a couple of sick people.

_I quickly hit print on the keyboard, looking behind me back to see if Khan was there. He was cleaning up in the kitchen, though, he wouldn't be done already. The printer sounded and I worried he would also hear it. I watched as the pictures came out and as soon as it did, I deleted the files from the computer and logged out. Photos in hand, I steadily marched into the kitchen, catching a surprised Khan. _

_"What are those?" he wondered innocently. It almost pained me. I slapped the papers against the table and he dried off his hands to look at them. I watched his eyes as he flipped through them, suddenly slapping them, too, on the table. Khan closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath, leaning on the chair in front of him. _

_"Mae," he started, but I wouldn't let him finish. _

_"Those pictures are from my neighbourhood. See," I picked them up, "this is the playground near the school. This is the bike path. And that's my old house."_

_"Mae," he breathed again, still not opening his eyes. "Why are you trying to make me feel worse?"_

_"Because you don't seem to understand."_

_"I understand perfectly, okay?" Khan opened as he came closer. "You think I don't know you wanna go home? You think it doesn't hurt me to know you want to leave? Listen, I want to go home, too. You think I don't wanna see a park? Or your old home? Or go biking? Don't you get why I can't?" He stared madly at me. _

_"No," I murmured. _

_"Have you not seen the mugshots? The videos of me? Mae, I'm a criminal! Do you know what that means? It means that as soon as I land this ship, they will arrest me and kill me!" I stood small, staring into his darkened eyes. He turned away, gripping the chair. _

_"I'm sorry-"_

_"Please, just, get rid of these pictures."_

I don't think I ever imagined that being the reason Khan wouldn't go back. I always just assumed it was because he liked things with only us. I never expected that Khan did have the same dying need for sun and air. He said he never expressed it because he wouldn't want to torment me like that, knowing he wanted something dearly, yet he couldn't have it. I felt awful.


	2. Berceuse

There were a lot of things, nonchalant things, Khan did that made him the absolute alpha male. These occurrences seemed natural for him, and I suppose they grew natural for me, too, considering how often he did them to me and how I began to do them to him.

Whenever I ignored Khan, he'd grab my wrist. And it wasn't the gentle tug of attention he committed, it was rather a quick act and iron clutch against my wrist. I could feel the bones in his fingers go against the bones in my wrist, and the entire feeling would be completely uncomfortable and demeaning. Khan would do it without a second thought.

He always grabbed at my face many times, as well. We could be sitting, eating across from each other. Khan would ask me what I was thinking about, as he often did, and I'd lie, as I often did. I'd say I was thinking about the movie we just watched, when in fact, I was thinking about my mother, but Khan hated to talk about past life because it made us sad. Khan had a way of sensing when I wasn't telling the truth. He'd stare, and I could feel his eyes on me, and then his hand would snap at my jaw; fingers leaning into the gaps between my teeth, grasping hard to keep his hold on me. I'd repeat my lie and he'd let go reluctantly.

Nights were the best, I think. It would be quiet, the only sounds coming from our mouths as we breathed. Our forehead would almost be touching and I loved the feeling of a larger figure beside me. I felt safe, protected. Khan's lips would push softly against my skin, causing me to shrink harder into his side.

Sometimes I hummed a melody for him. I knew a lot of little tunes. Khan especially enjoyed them at night. I suppose it was sort of like a lullaby for him. Khan's night usually consisted of a least one bad dream, but when I sang to him, he fell asleep with a lazy smile on his face. These would also be the nights when Khan looked best. He looked sweet, innocent. The worries in his face were gone and I could no longer imagine that such foul things could come from a man like that. If I could choose, I'd make Khan stay that way forever.

Seeing him like this made everything worth it. At that moment, I didn't care about the fights, the blows, the tears; all I could see were the giggles and hands, the kisses and whispers.

Was it real love? I honestly don't know. If I had walked by him on the street, would he interest me? If we had met in Star Fleet, would we still actually like each other?

I rarely ever asked Khan to sing for me, no matter how much I wished him to. Whenever I asked him, he'd frown and sigh, even as I would pet his hair and slide my hands across his broadened, chiselled face, in an attempt to try and coax him into singing.

"I don't know any songs."

I loved Khan and I can't ever deny that. He was my heart and soul, my best-friend and lover, but he was also my nightmare and beast. He could not be different to his manner. That fact was specifically the one that always made me feel worse for hating him because I knew he couldn't help it.

I thought a lot about killing him, and I won't lie. I really did. How I could do it. When I could do it. How long it would take. If I could overpower him for just that one second to gain enough leverage over him to keep Khan under my will, would I?

Maybe I'd do it while he slept. I stared at the back of his figure as he cooked our dinner. Maybe I'd run and bang his head into the cupboard. He'd turn around and smiled, ask me if I was hungry. I'd reply with a simple, 'yes'. Maybe I could grab the pot of boiling water and splash it into his face. Or what about a blunt weapon? We did have a few pipes here and there in the storage room. Would Khan be able to take them away from me as I tried to smack it into him?

I would lie next to him in our bed, his breathing, unconscious body beside me. I'd have my pillow case gripped in my fingers, ready to get on top of him and sack his beautiful, beautiful head. He struggled and squirm, and maybe he'd just throw me off. The case still gripped in my hand, I slowly closed my eyes and sighed.

I was too weak to ever do such a thing, no matter how much I wanted to.


	3. Paroxysm

_"Wanna go for a stroll?" Khan asked, positioning his arm perfectly for me to link mine in. _

_"I'd love to," I said. We slowly walked down the hallway, Khan describing the scenery as if it was something we've never seen before. We loved doing this, it was almost like a game. We were usually playing games._

_We continued for a bit until we reached the other half of the ship, which was mainly the storehouse part of the ship. There were refrigerated rooms, room with extra blankets and clothing, rooms with furniture, too. We came to the Cryo Room and entered. Khan and I were hit with a wave of chills and we slightly shivered._

_"Have you ever been in cryosleep?" I asked him, leaning against the counter. Khan inspected one of the cryotubes, pushing a button and watching it open with a 'whoosh'. _

_"Yes, just once."_

_"What was it like?"_

_"It was like a really deep sleep. The freezing is instantaneous, you don't feel anything."_

_"That sounds scary."_

_"I was asleep for a few months but the time felt immediate. My body was tired, still, but everything felt the same." He smoothed his hand over the open tube, now looking like a thin bed as the glass covering had lowered. He came beside me, his arm sliding around my lower back. Khan kissed my neck. I felt his fingers lower to my backside and in-between my legs. _

_"Khan, not now," I said lightly. He continued on despite me attempt to get him away. "You're getting handsy ."_

_"So?" he murmured, kissing near my ear. _

_"Stop, I'm not in the mood." I turned my back to him and he pushed himself against me. The counter dug hard into my hips and Khan bent me over. _

_"Come on," he said under his breath. I gently elbowed him, my temper rising. Our arms were struggling and I stomped my foot into his. He backed off me, slightly crying out. As I stepped away, he came at me again, almost causing me to fall. _

_"Stop it!" I shouted. _

_"You stop!" I shoved him away the best that could. The moment I got an open chance to his face, I whipped my hand hard across his. He froze for a split second than jumped for me. I was on the ground within a minute, my knee's stabbing on the floor. Khan was breathing hard, our resisting efforts like a cardio. His hands cupped around the back of my neck, forcing us to kiss. _

_"Krnn-'" I said, my voice muffled. Without warning, he dragged me upwards and smacked me down onto the open cryotube. I felt his thighs at the sides of mine, making me smaller and more vulnerable. _

_"Do you really think you're in charge?" he spat, holding my arms down and face in mine. "Do you really?"_

_"Khan, get off of me-"_

_"Shut up, just shut up!" His hot breath on my face made me cringe and my throat grew sore._

_"Please-"_

_"You need to understand that whatever I want, goes. I'm the stronger one," he said, laughing. I stared into the eyes of my maker, wanting to die, right then and there. He was taking pleasure in this. _

_"Okay, I get it. Get off."_

_"What's wrong, Mae?" he taunted. _

_"Get. Off."_

_"Oh, it's the cryotube." Again, he laughed. "Well, listen here, maybe I should put you to sleep." His knee's suddenly jabbed at my gut and Khan leaned upwards, using his weight to hold me down. I looked sideways to see Khan dialing something into the keypad. I wanted to thrash around and scream but my mouth was dry. _

_"S-s-top."_

_"Hm, maybe 6 months? How about a year?"_

_"Khan!" I felt like I was drowning, choking under my own saliva. I tried to cough it out but it only slid back down my throat. _

_"Or how about I put you in there for an eternity?" His face looked ravenous. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it would explode out from my chest and onto the floor. I ignored the numbing in my body and tried to look anywhere else but at Khan's eyes. _

_"Please, please, please, please," I chanted almost silently. Khan breathed hard, looking as if he would say something. His mouth opened but no words came out. With a bang, he jumped back on his feet to the floor and walked off. _

_I rolled out from the tube as fast as I could, irrupting in a fit of coughs and sobs. It all seemed to gush out like vomit, all the fear and anxiety, and then I did vomit. _


	4. Moiety

When I saw him, everything just stopped. I didn't care that he wouldn't let me leave, or that he raped me before, or that he wasn't always gentle. He had those curly brown locks and grey-blue eyes that melted into a lagoon when I looked into them. Khan would smile and whisper to me that we would be okay and that we would always be okay. He took my worries and he threw them away. I was safe with him. He would hold me against his body, a sense of security eloping around for both of us, wrapping and wrapping itself tighter. His teeth would shine as he opened his mouth to laugh, eyes crinkling and head bent back.

There were times when he'd catch me looking through files of him on the computer. He'd be still in his plaid boxers, bare chest and legs, hair messy, staring down at me. His eyes would be sheepish and apologetic. He would stand there, waiting for my response, whether it be one of disgust or fear. I don't think he ever expected me to stand up and hug him, saying that I wouldn't judge him.

When he would get rough with me, things were scary. Things were always scary, in a way. It was afterwards when things finally calmed down did Khan feel guilty. I'd be sitting in the lounge, face dried off from the tears, looking fierce and uncaring, and Khan would come and sit beside me. For the first few moments, he wouldn't be able to look at me in the eye, and the mirror in front of us would mock and laugh, and I could see it all. He looked big next to me, yet he searched for comfort and forgiveness in me. He would turn, having this glazed look in his eyes, telling me he couldn't go on without me. I'm sorry, he'd say, talk to me, he'd say. His body would slump with shame and embarrassment and I'd pull him close. Then Khan would cry and cough into my lap, all blubbery and wet. His huge hands would squeeze onto my waist, sobbing harder into my dress. I'd coo and say everything was okay and that everyone was always going to be okay, just like he would tell me.

Things weren't always sad, though. Khan was very humerus and positive at times, too. I'd love it when I'd tell him a joke or a funny story. His lips would already be curled into a playful smile, eager to hear the punchline. Then when it came, Khan would smile wider, giggle at little, then simply smile at me. His smiles would be pure and innocent, and I'd forget all the other bad stuff. He was pure and innocent, and I never knew would happened to make him so cold sometimes.

Despite his cold ways, he was often very fair with me. Khan would always act naturally, normally with me. When I'd speak, he look at me with a respectful expression. He wanted to hear what I had to say. I was his equal to him, when it came to things like that.

Khan would be worried a lot. Sometimes he'd tell me what troubled him, other times he wouldn't. When he wouldn't, he'd say it was for my own good, that I wouldn't want to know. Those type of things began to worry me, too. I hated seeing Khan upset. He'd spend hours in the control room, scanning countless things, writing logs that I was never allowed to read, searching to space that I wasn't familiar with. After all his research, he would turn his chair around the face me, back straight and head up, as usual, but eyes weak and hands searching for something to hold onto.

The mornings would always be the best. We walk about from the bedroom, still in our pajamas and head into the kitchen. Sometimes Khan would have me sit down and he'd turn up the radio. Random music that neither of us recognized would play and he'd dance around in his underwear, laughing and singing along terribly. Khan was the most humane person I ever met, even if he could be an animal at times, goal set and ready to do anything to obtain it. I loved the way he'd move his body around. I'd say he looked awkward and silly, with his large torso and big muscles. He'd day it was because he was built to fight and kill, not dance and have a good time. Shaking his butt from left to right, Khan would flip the pancake and splatter syrup onto it for me. I'd even say those were my favourite times.

I remember how Khan what appear under those bright, white lights that circled around us. I could see every speck of his golden hair, the way they'd twine upwards. His neck would look strong and broad, his jawbone exaggerated, making him even more handsome than he already was. He'd close his eyes as he drank the tea, sipping it as if he hadn't a care in the world.


	5. Iniquitous

We had tons of fun with this camera. As soon as it started working, Khan began being the silliest I've ever seen him. At first he was shy, just smiling sheepishly and then breaking out in laughter as I pretended to be a snobby photographer. He would giggle and pose, making faces. I loved him like this; it was almost childlike of him. Then he'd raise his collar up, only exposing his eye. Or shape his mouth in a funny way. Or he'd wrinkle his chin. Or smiling way to widely.

The ones we took together were also very fun. Sometimes we were foolish. Most times, just sweet and romantic. I'd nuzzle my head in the crook of his neck. Or he'd playfully bite my ear. Other times he'd jumped up from behind me and hold me against him. We'd smile and it wouldn't even look like we were in a ship for what seemed like a millennia.

The first video I caught of Khan beating a man on his files was horrid to watch. Khan was asleep but woke up as I was in the middle of the recording. As soon as Khan saw me, he pulled the plug to the entire machinery. He repeated the set of rules he told me hundreds of times but I wouldn't listen.

_"How could you do that?"_

_"Do what?"_

_"Hurt a man like that."_

_"You don't know who he was," Khan snapped. I stared at him, unable to believe he was defending himself. _

_"Who was he?"_

_"I don't remember." I rolled my eyes and Khan came forward, sitting in front of me on the counter. "But I know he was in my way."_

_"And that makes it okay?" _

_"Mae, stop it, alright? You don't know anything about it." It was quiet then. I would ask him to tell me about it but I know he wouldn't. He never did. _

_"Did you beat the man to death?" He looked away, sighing. _

_"I might have, I don't know. Usually I stopped when they were unconscious." I shook my head, leaning back in the chair. He looked away again. _

_"How could you do that?" I asked again. _

_"At first, I didn't like it either. But, there were times when I was faced with brutality and nobody offered me mercy. Why should I? I remember this one man. He was a major drug lord. I was on my knees," Khan said, getting on the ground. I turned to face him, watching painfully. "I was on my knees, bloody, crying, and he just stared at me, smiling, and he said, 'I take pride in hurting you'. That's when I lost it." I immediately felt guilty. _

_"I wish you never had to go through something like that," I muttered. _

_"Yeah," Khan shrugged, getting to his feet. _

Despite this, though, as Khan would sleep, I would continue to go out and watch more. I felt it was my right to know exactly the type of man I was spending my life with. I remember one that seemed to be filming from a direct spot to watch, as if it were one of Khan's associates. He said he never had friends, just enemies of enemies.

I could see and hear everything in that video and I wouldn't ever forget those details. I could see the way Khan would pounce on the lone man. The way his muscle would bulge as they gripped him. Blood would be searing red, gushing out from the cuts the man luckily got across Khan's neck, a lost attempt in winning their battle. I could hear every breath and growl from Khan. And I could also hear the slight sick, playfulness in his voice. He was enjoying the fight. When I asked Khan about this, he simply said it was because it was in his nature; of course he would enjoy it. It was exercise for his body. The man was a toy. It frightened me.


	6. Capriccioso

Khan was kind of like my father. He was always very protective and authoritative towards me. He'd often tell me what to do, how to do it, what was right and wrong, too. He was commanding, as well, as some fathers get, and it was sometimes annoying. I grew used to it. I honestly believe anyone get used to anything after a while, and it turns into something normal, rather than just something you had to put up with.

Thank god he looked nothing like my father, though, because that would have made things absolutely uncomfortable, even if I didn't know my father that well.  
_

_I was showered and cleansed, and hopefully smelling good. I let down my hair, too, frizzing it up a bit with my hands. Looking in the mirror one last time, I exited, only wearing some undies and Khan's shirt. I slowly walked towards the computer room, which was the last place I saw Khan in before I took a shower. I quietly sneaked over and entered the room; of course, the whooshing of the doors didn't allow me to be all that sneaky, but none-the-less, Khan didn't even look back from his screen. I looked at it to see an empty page, the place Khan usually writes his diary, or as he calls it, his 'log entries'. _

_I walked over to him, leaning against the desk. His hands laid on the keys, ignoring me. I felt a little helpless and I wanted his attention. It seemed like I wanted his attention a lot of the time these days. I gently pushed his hands away and slid in between him and the desk to sit in his lap. I felt him recline the tiniest as I eased into his lap. Pressing my keys against the keyboard, I spoke. _

_"My name is Khan and I'm terrible at everything," I said as I typed, "Mae is so awesome. I wish I could be more like Mae." Khan chuckled, his arms softly wrapping around my waist. "Everything I do is wrong and everything Mae does it right. She is so pretty and beautiful, and smart and funny, unlike mee-aah! Khan! Stop it!" _

_Khan's greedily fingers tickled my madly and I squirmed around hard in his lap._

_"What was that? Hm? I can't understand you," Khan said in between laughs. _

_"Please, please stop," I shouted breathlessly. His fingers stopped and I turned towards him, slightly shifting myself sideways. _

_It was suddenly silent and all that matter were Khan's eyes. The way his mouth opened a bit. His lips looked nice and warm. I could feel his breath against my face. _

_Without another word, Khan's lips crashed against mine. My body felt like it was burning with the intensity. I let go, staring at him again. His face turned harsher and I wanted more. _

_"You know, I've been so sick of you teasing me," he muttered, hands gripping me. I breathed harder; I loved all of it. "I want you, right now." I nodded quickly and his hands came under my thighs. We were kissing and kissing, and then we were in my bedroom, Khan on top of me.  
__

_I slowly blinked, the familiar ceiling staring back at me. I sighed, pushing down the constant worry I had about my future and pulled the blankets off me. I rubbed my legs, leaning into them and breathed. Khan was probably wide awake already. The hum of the ship was quiet and somehow relaxing. It reminded me of the air conditioner I used to have when I was young. My feet clapped against the tiled-floor as I exited the bedroom and went down the hall. I came into the main quarters of the ship where you would stir and control the ship. Khan looked large and dark sitting in the captions chair, his head resting in his palm. I stopped, standing there for a few moments, a smirk rising on my face. I tiptoed as quietly as I could and bent down to Khan's ear. _

_"Hey!" I said loudly. Khan jumped, causing me to giggle. He rubbed his eyes smiling. _

_"Did you really have to do that?" he said playfully. I stood against the control panel, feeling it's cool keys send a chill down my legs. _

_"Yes," I replied simply. He smiled back at, rubbing his arms and standing up. _

_"It's cold in here, don't you think?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Maybe you should put on some clothes." I stood up with him, brushing his shoulder as I walked off. _

_"Maybe I don't want to." I hoped he was watching me sway my hips. Luckily, he followed my into the computer room where I brushed my fingers across all the buttons. He sat down in the chair. _

_"What can you even do on this computer?" I asked, standing behind him. _

_"Well, you can search whatever you want, you can add formulas, uh, video record things-" Khan stopped talking as I let my hands sit on his shoulder. He turned his head back but I tried not to notice and sustain my composure. He let out a breath of air and continued talking. I loved making him nervous._  
_

_The clocks told me it was getting late, with I looked to especially now that the outdoor space could not tell me otherwise. I came into the computer room where Khan was again. The door swished open, allowing me to enter. I wasn't looking at the screen and I slid my head onto the top of Khan's. _

_"It's getting late, isn't it?" I murmured. _

_"Yeah, it is."_

_"Besides, you'll have plenty of time to finish whatever you're doing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.." I dragged on, hoping Khan would get my point. I pushed away that thought, as usual, and let Khan slump to his feet and follow me out. We stopped in the hallway, the midway point that held each of our paths; mine to a bedroom, Khan to another. He leaned against the wall, blinking tiredly. _

_"You shouldn't stare at that computer for so long. Your eyes look a little red," I said. He rubbed at them and sighed, looking at me widely. _

_"I'll see you tomorrow," Khan yawned. I smiled, nodding back.  
__

_I quickly got out from my bed, slipping on a sweater and scurried into the kitchen. It was usually Khan who got up earlier than me but today I wanted to be the one who made breakfast. I turned the stove on right away, looking through the refrigerated room for eggs, paprika, spinach, spices, bread, cheese and bacon. My hands full and almost letting things fall out, I dumped the ingredients onto the counter and cracked a few eggs. On the separated stove plate, I started cooking the bacon as well. As the eggs started gaining it's shape, I dropped the spinach, cheese and paprika's into its gooey from. _

_"Good morning," I heard. I turned around the Khan still in his boxers and a t-shirt. He had morning hair, too. _

_"Aw, I wanted to get everything ready before you woke up," I whined, flipped some of the bacons slices. I heard him chuckle and came towards me. He scooted closer, reaching up to grab some plates and forks. I heard the plastic plates land against the plastic table. He came back again, leaning against the counter and watching me. I did a little dance as I sprinkled on the seasoning. He chuckled, shaking his hips with me. _

_Khan eventually sat down and I slid the omelette onto the nearby plate. He began cutting it up as I assorted the bacon for the both of us. He slapped some omelette onto my plate and dug into his. _

_"Mmm!" he cried out, smiling. "Delicious. You should get up early to cook more often." I giggled, satisfied myself with the food. "Where'd you learn this?"_

_"An omelettes really not that hard to make. But, I usually made them while my dad was at work. It was just the two of us and he worked a lot back then." _

_"What does he do now?" Khan wondered. _

_"Retired. Remarried."_

_"That's good." _

_"Yeah." We ate quietly, only the hum of the ship behind us. I felt Khan's foot come in between mine and I darted my eyes to his. They didn't meet mine. I wrapped my feet around his one, feeling the warmth of his chill me. He smiled as I rubbed them against his skin. _


	7. Acervuline

Khan and I always expressed our feelings without restraint; ever. Since we had gotten together, we shared our thoughts and opinions freely. Of course, we sometimes got very mad at each other. Because Khan was injected and more 'beast-like' as he put it, things got a little scary. I'd never say Khan was a beast but he did get aggressive and physical in our disputes.

_"Khan," I called out. I leaned against the counter, closing my eyes. "Khan!"_

_"Yeah?" he shouted back. _

_"Can you get over here?" I asked, keeping my voice light. I wanted to surprise him, sadistically speaking. _

_"Why?"_

_"Just come here?"_

_"I'm busy!"_

_"Khan, come here!" I heard the sound of Khan jumping to his feet, the chair hitting against the desk. I couldn't hear his footprints but I'm sure they were heavy. _

_"What?" he snapped, standing beside me. I pointed to the sink and he groaned loudly, bending forward and rubbing his head. _

_"You leave your stupid dirty dishes in the sink every time! And it just dries and it's so hard to wash out-"_

_"Who cares? Honestly?!" I continued rambling, my anger building up while Khan kept repeated his same ignorance as 'Who cares, who cares, who cares, who cares'._

_"Khan, seriously!" I screamed, shoving him. He barely moved, but eyes stayed wide eyed on me. I instantly regretted hitting him. _

_"Now, why'd you do that? Why'd you have to push me?" he said loudly. _

_"Cause you're not listening and I've told you a thousand times!" I shoved him again. _

_"You know what?" he spat, getting all up in my face. _

_"What?" I egged him on. _

_"Fight me."_

_"What?"_

_"Right now, let's go," Khan bellowed, pushing me tauntingly. "Come on! Few seconds ago you were all ready and wanting to hit me. So, come on. Hit me."_

_"I'm not hitting you," I said quietly, feeling foolish. _

_"Oh, you're backing out now?" Khan pushed me gently again. "Huh? Let's fight. I want to. Push me."_

_"I said no."_

_"Push me, dammit!" I pushed hit, not using all my strength, but hopefully enough to get him off my back. _

_"There."_

_"No way, that was nothing. I know you're stronger than that, come on, Mae, hit me."_

_"This is childish, Khan. I'm not playing your stupid little game, alright? Get out of my way." I walked right into him and he laughed. I could hear the hostility in his voice. _

_"Hit me, right here." He patted his cheek, smiling. "Hit me."_

_"No!"_

_"Hit me!"_

_**"No!"**_

_**"Hit me!"**__ I grabbed a hold of the collar of his shirt and rammed my fist into the middle of the his left cheek. I cracked a knuckle and brought my fist back instinctively, holding it against myself to reduce the pain. Khan laughed and I grew more frightened. _

_"Wow, that really hurt," he mocked. "My turn."_

_My hairs went on edge and I stumbled backwards. Khan quickly caught me by my collar, just as I had done to him. He wasn't smiling anymore. Before I could move or do anything, his hand came swinging and things went black. _


	8. Incense

_I shook awake, leaning upwards and finding the spot next to me empty. Another crash came and my heart jumped. I quickly got out from the covers and ran towards the noise. _

_"Khan!" I called out. "Khan!" I ran into the ships control room, coming to stop as I saw Khan's figure smashing a chair against the glass window. "Khan?!" His head flinched to me; his face was reddish, cheeks damp and dark circles under his eyes. His face scrunched up and hit against the glass. _

_"Go back to bed," he growled. _

_"What are you doing?" He turned his body back to me, now only the leg of a chair gripped in his fist. _

_"What does it look like I'm doing, Mae? I'm killing us." Another smack against the glass and it cracked the tiniest bit. _

_"Hey, stop, stop it!" I cried. I pressed myself against his back and he pushed me away. _

_"Don't you understand? I am a joke."_

_"What?" _

_"I am a joke, Mae. This whole thing is a joke. I don't know what we're doing here anymore."_

_"What do you mean? We're together and we-we do-" I stuttered, at a loss for words. His eyes stared down doubtfully at mine. "We'll figure this out, alright? Everything's gonna be okay."_

_"Don't lie and tell me it's okay. You hate me. I know you hate. I hate me, too." _

_"What are you talking about?" _

_"I can't stand it when you ignore me, Mae. I can't handle it."_

_"Okay, I won't do it ever again." I'd say anything to get him to relax. _

_"I can't make you happy, and I don't know why not!" Khan suddenly yowled and tears streamed out from his eyes. He raised his arm back again but I came into his chest. He blubbered loudly as I held onto him as tightly as I could. When the chair leg hit the ground, my body eased and Khan wrapped himself around me. _

_"I love you," I murmured. _

_"No, you don't. You don't. You don't."_

_"And I won't give up on you."_

_"I want to die," he shouted, beginning to push me away again. "I want to die. I want to die." _

_"Khan, please!" I cried, gripping his arms as tightly as I could. In an instant, he shoved me to the ground and ran into the glass. Another tiny crack irrupted and I jumped at his feet. _

_"Get off!" He kicked and thrashed around, knocking against my shoulder. _

_"I need you!" I shrieked. He stomped around, seeming as if you couldn't express his emotions. A gurgled squeal came from his lips and he fell apart onto the floor. I scrambled across the tiled ground to hold his hand, and though he would not hold mine, I squeezed hard. He breathed roughly, obviously trying to compose himself. I didn't want him to. I wanted him to get it all out. _

_"I just feel like there's this hole in my chest," he said, voice wet. "And I'm hallow and heavy, at the same time. I always feel like I can't do anything right. Or that there isn't even a point."_

_"You haven't done anything wrong-"_

_"Don't give me that. I have no plan. I never had any plan."_

_"It's okay. We have time. We have all the time in the world, Khan." I tried to be light and positive but he wouldn't even meet my eyes. _

_"And I'm tired of feeling like I'm__** crazy**__." It was quiet, apart from Khan's sniffles. I smooth my hands in his hair, trying to coax him like a mother does to her child. I twirled his already curly hair in between my fingers, cooing a gentle 'shh' as a sob threatened to arouse. _

_"Look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy," he mumbled. _

_"What?" But I had heard exactly what he said. _

_"Look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy." I stared at him, not even daring to open my mouth. After a few moments he leaned his head back, rolling his eyes and sighing. That ticked me off. _

_"I can't, but you know, I won't throw a fit and whine just because I'm not happy."_

_"What?" _

_"Oh, look at me, I'm Khan," I said, getting to my feet. "I'm so sad and need to break chairs to get attention." I grabbed at the chair leg and made a real point to mock him. He sat up, face still damp and watched. _

_"I should just kill myself because I have nothing to live for." I grunted falsely as I pretending to hit the glass. "Boo hoo." _

_"Please stop," Khan said quietly. _

_"I am so deranged and mess up that I think we should all die. Hey, I was born to die, wasn't I?" I threw the chair leg at him gently and slowly smacked myself into the glass. Khan finally got to his feet and grasped my arm. _

_"You better shut it." I gave him an mad look, but it was false, too. I was doing all of it on purpose. I'd rather have the man angry and aggressive, rather than suicidal. And maybe's that sick. But we're still alive. _

_As we walked tiredly to our bedroom, I couldn't help but think about what Khan said. Was he right? What were we doing? Were we alive or just breathing?_


	9. Kismet

_I crawled into the side of the bed into Khan's waiting body. He wrapped himself around me and the warmth of his skin made me feel secure. I loved the way his breath came warm down my neck. We felt like one. The unity between us was just growing stronger and I had no intent to stop it. _

_"I am so glad it was you who was on this ship. I'm so glad I met you," his deep voice came about in my ear. It made goosebumps rising along my arms and a tingly sensation scurry down my back. I smiled as his voice lingered on. "I wouldn't be able to do this without you."_

_I could feel Khan ease into me, the way his breathing changed and body slumped against mine; he had fallen asleep. His words haunted me, though. I knew that he was glad I was the one still on this ship. In a way, I was glad, too, but I couldn't help thinking what it would be like otherwise. _

_I would probably be back home by now. I'd be in my own house. Maybe I would have gotten married. Maybe I'd have children by now. And Khan? Maybe he would have already planned an attack. Maybe he'd have killed himself. Was I keeping him sane? Or was I making him insane?_

_Question that forced me to leave unanswered kept me up longer. The same old scenarios replaying themselves over and over in my head. How lives would have shaped and come to be if Khan and I never took this little rendezvous trip. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just disappear. What if I was eradicated from existence?_

_And then the horror comes, as it always does, because I was eradicated from existence. Nobody knew I was alive. Nobody knew where I was or what I was doing. I was gone from all friends, family, civilization. Mae was off the charts. _

_Although I tried to ignore and block out this thought as much as possible, it was always there. Even if I wasn't directly thinking about it, it was still there. The thought was loud and annoying, like it was always pulling me back to think and ponder about harder. For one minute, I wish everything would stop. I wanted time when I could simply sit down, and just sit there, saying nothing and feeling nothing. I wanted to be emotionless, sometimes. When I look upon the feelings of utter happiness and then immediate sadness, or passionate ecstasy or terrible fear, I wanted none of. What I would give for 10 minutes of complete silence and lack of reality. _

_I know a thing or two about what's scary and what's not but depression is a scary word. When I thought of depression, it reminded me of seriously ill people. I thought of suicidal teens or hopeless adults. Depression made me feel awkward and like I wasn't that bad. _

_Depression also reminded me of drowning. Khan's arms may be on my waist now, and I felt pretty warm, too, nothing could warm me cold soul. I was frozen. I was freezing in the ice cold water and nobody was helping me. _

_I slowly slipped out from Khan and turned my back to him. I didn't want to think of him during these times, it made me feel guiltier. Khan ruined me. He did, and I was aware of it. I could not deny my love for him, though. How can I hate someone who makes me feel the way he does?_

_Like most nights, the sequence of my thought process continued as it always does. Now, as I close my eyes, the familiar scale floats into my mind. Near the top it is labeled 'where I could be'. That is where happy images of family, friends and recognizable sights lay scattered about. Near the middle it is labeled 'where I should be'. Here, again, somewhat of the same images with a lighter tint to them. Near the bottom, the dreaded yet beautiful place, it is labeled 'where I am'. _


	10. Opulence

_Home is where the heart is._

I really reading that everyday in my elementary school. Every classroom had at least one meaning, positive phrase that us kids were supposed to take with us as we grew up. I remembered this one particularly because during grades 6-8, I had the same teacher, which also meant being in the same classroom. As we would stand up for the nation anthem every morning, I'd look up to see this phrase printed in kooky letters above our chalkboard.

The saying was absolutely correct. Home is where the heart is, no doubt. I could add more onto that, too, though. Home is where the heart is, but my home was really where I lived. Home was Khan. It was simply that. I can't provide further explanation to it, it really is that easy.

Khan was my home. I lived in his arms. My voice drafted from his everyday as we talked and cried and moaned in anger and ecstasy. My thoughts derived from his fingertips, the way he'd influence me and give me both his best and worst intentions. The light of my world grew like flowers and tree's, grass and even little critters and bugs, from the places where Khan would step his feet onto. The radiation from his body would bring sunshine and delight to my tiny, sprouting organisms that defined who I was.

How far would you go for the other half of your soul? 'Cause that's what Khan was to me. Not just a man, or a best-friend I lived with. He wasn't family, either. We were soul-mates, and no amount of abuse or regret could make me ever say otherwise.  
_

Khan was passionate about so many subjects. He and I enjoyed long discussions of life, people, relationships, memories, and one of his favourites, stars and constellations. He was always so fascinated by space all that may be in it. He believed it truly was the finale frontier for mankind; there was so much yet to be discovered.

Although I was already well acquainted with space, Khan was not at all hesitant to tell me everything he knew about it. In reference, space is said to be the void that exists between celestial bodies, which are natural objects living in the sky. Khan would often say, dreamily, that it was the void between further unearthing. He was well aware of the electromagnetic radiation, magnetic fields, neutrinos, dust, cosmic rays and so on.

He took time in researching the old philosophers, like Aristotle, René Descartes, Zhang Heng, Galileo Galilei and particularly Otto von Guericke, who constructed the first vacuum pump that would support his theory of the void in space. Sometimes he would tell me about writers who even first used the term 'outer space', such as the section where young Emmeline Stuart-Wortley wrote in her book _Maiden in Moscow_ in 1842 or Thomas Buchanan Read in _Lays and Ballads_, 1849. Khan was familiar with famous theories of how the world began, as well, including the Incredible Bulk, Time's Arrow, the Now's Have It, and of course, the Big Bang Theory. He loved learning more about Geospace, Cislunar, Interplanetary, Interstellar and Intergalactic Space.

Stars were his favourite, though.

_"And see here," Khan said, repositioning the holographic space projection, "is the Lepus constellation." I leaned closer in my seat, resting my arms against the counter and looking at Khan across from me. I nodded, trying be best to show genuine interest and attention._

_"What does Lepus mean?"_

_"It's Latin for 'the hare'." I watched Khan's illuminated face as he continued to turn the image to zoom in more. "And this jumble of stars is M79."_

_"A globular cluster."_

_"Exactly. Isn't it pretty?" We both giggled and played around with the hologram, selecting different ones to read their lettered-and-numbered names. "You know, I don't know why they call them 'messier objects."_

_"What?"_

_"The clusters. Sure, they're messy, but it's the sweet kind of way. I don't know. I feel like it's meant to be like that." We passed through a few more constellations like Scutum, Perseus and Norma. _

_"Okay, my turn," I said, teasing him. He sighed, smile wide on his wet lips. He rested his head in his hand, closing his eyes. "Name this constellation." Khan's eyes popped open and he examined it. His dark eyes darted to me, shaking his head. _

_"Phoenix, best known star is ANKAA, named by Johann Bayer. And, if I'm correct, it lies right between Grus and Eridanus." He gently turned the image to the left and right, nodding in his prediction. _

_"Lemme give you another one," I grumbled. "Close your eyes!" I whizzed past the constellations until I landed on one I found good enough. Tapping on Khan's arm, he opened his eyes again and squinted. _

_"Triangulum," Khan shrugged. I threw my hands up in the air, playing a false annoyance. He laughed, smiling in a way I couldn't help but smiling back. "Come on, this ones easy. The Triangulum holds this spiral galaxy, which is legendary. They're my favourite." I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to look frustrated. Khan laughed harder, whipping the holograph away completely and sliding up and over the table. He fell down onto my lap, almost falling over. I quickly got my arms around his back and he greedily sucked at my lips. _

Sometimes I pretended to know what Khan was telling me about just to see him excited.  
_

_We slipped into our undies and crept into our blankets. Khan had raised his leg to dip over my side, laughing and slightly clenching my closer. I gently elbowed him and sprung out, feeling my way to get on top of him. Facing Khan, I watched his expression twist into a mischieviously smile as he squeezed my thighs. In a quick second, Khan dumped me down on the bed, flipping me on my back and holding my arms down. I giggled loudly, beginning to shout offensive things to him. _

_Play-wrestling was one of our favourite things to do. It was during these times that I felt safe enough to know that Khan wouldn't actually hurt me. I enjoyed this side of him. It reminded me of a childlike version of him, which I usually only got to see as he slept. _

_After wriggling and wrangling ourselves into each other, we soon settled into our cushions. Khan grumbled something into the bed sheet and I nudged him a 'hm'. He repositioned his arms to go at the sides of my head and let half of his chest lean into mine. I felt his voice send vibrations through my body as he spoke. _

_"I'm rich," he said quietly. _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, I'm rich, in all the ways that matter." I grinned. _

_"You think so?"_

_"Undoubtedly. I have food, water, a home, and I have you." That little warmth build up and exploded again in my insides, like a surge of energy that had just reached his absolute peak. Everything felt right at that moment. Everything felt worth it. _


	11. Nullifidian

Khan did not have a religious bone in his body. Khan was all for the science.

He could not understand the meaning of the word _faith. _He didn't know how people could give themselves up wholly to a lord. He just couldn't. He couldn't even comprehend it. He felt that it was naive and stupid to let yourself go so easily and so willingly.

Khan would always tell me that he did not know God. He didn't know what kind of person he was, whether he'd like him or not and so on. He described God to be someone you'd befriend, rather than worship. He said that putting someone above yourself was wrong in every way. Khan believed he had the strength, which he could also build on his own, to do whatever he wanted.

_"Why do I need to let him run my life? Hm? Why can't I live it on my own? You know, people would tell me all the time, 'let God save you', 'he'll forgive you', 'salvation is near', and I understand, but I don't care."_

Believe or not, but Khan did read the entire bible; he was no hypocrite to any matter. He knew all about Cain and Abel, David and Goliath, Sodom and Gomorrah, too. He read the parable of the Good Samaritan, the two two creation stories and Revelations. John was his favourite of the four gospels, saying how it was poetically intriguing, despite his lack of belief, as well. He found the story of Moses to be funny and the story of Abraham to be demeaning.

_"How could he voluntarily give his son up for sacrifice? How can people see him as the Father of Faith?"_

Sometimes I wanted Khan to give in to religion. I wanted him to believe something greater than himself and not only because he had a god-complex. I wanted him to see the light others proclaim to see. I wanted him to be happy on the highest degree. I wanted this for myself, also.

_"Maybe you can't hear God speaking to you because you're too preoccupied with your own voice," I said bravely. He giggled quietly. _

_"Excuse me?"_

_"Nothing," I murmured, turning away. _

_"Nonono." He gently pulled my arm, asking me to stay. "Explain, please."_

_"Well, you're arrogant and a little narcissistic and-"_

_"And? God is speaking to me, you say?"_

_"Well..."_

_"Hold on. Why are you even defending God?"_

_"I'm not."_

_"Have you read some of the bible? It has some pretty awful things to say about women. I believe it is the leading cause for all the suffering women have been through, and are still going through." I nodded. _

_"Yeah, but-"_

_"You know what I'm talking about; the degradation, the subjugation. It's horrible."_

_"Morally speaking, the bible has good points, though," I tried. _

_"Morals?" He laughed again. "So, it's morally right to sell your daughters into slavery? Like in Exodus? Or to stone girls to death for not being virgins. Did you know that a man, if he suddenly decided he didn't like his wife anymore, could just choose to have everyone else join him in stoning the poor lady? Where's your god then?"_

_"I know."_

_"And people are suffering all the time on your little planet. Who's God to say he loves one group of people, but not the other?"_

_"I don't know what you want me to say."_

_"I want you to say that you agree with me. There is no god."_

_"It's impossible to be sure."_

_"No, I'm sure. This is how I see it, Mae, if there's no god, then I'm fine. Bad things happen to good people. End of story. But if there is a god, what's wrong with him? How can he let so many people feel such pain?"_

_"You are right." I slumped, part of saying it cause Khan made me understand a little and the other half just wanting to end this conversation. I sat in the nearest chair, crossing one foot on the other. _

_"And everyone things they've got it all figured out. You have the Hindus and Buddhists, and Muslims and Christians, there's the Atheists and the Mormons, and it goes on and on. They all think they know the real truth."_

_"For them it is the real truth, still," I added. _

_"Right. And they all truly believe they're going to Heaven and everyone else goes to Hell."_

_"Right." He was quiet for a moment._

_"There is no heaven. No hell. I know there isn't. If there's no god, there's no afterlife. Done. You rot in the ground and become food for plants and it goes around in that ecosystem you've all been talking about."_

_"Hm," I grumbled. _

_"God doesn't have any mercy. There isn't mercy in this universe."_

_"Well," I said lamely, again. _

_"Honestly, look at you?" He sparked my interest and I squinted at him. _

_"What about me?"_

_"Well, you're stuck here. You want to be home, so badly much, but it doesn't matter. You're stuck." I stared hard at him, unable to decide whether he was making a valid point or simply mocking me further as he usually does. _

_"Nope, God doesn't offer second chances. Take a look at that story from the Greeks. Who was it again?"_

_"Which story?"_

_"Uh, the one we were just talking about yesterday."_

_"Prometheus?"_

_"Exactly, Prometheus. He brought fire to man. He gave mankind the ability to keep warm, cook food. What did he get? Tortured to eternity. He had to lean against that stick and have birds pick his inerds out everyday. It's horrible."_

_"Ugh," I sneered. _

_"That story, of course, is a legend, but it is the perfect example of the gods we worship. And why? I haven't the slightest clue."_

Pointless to say, Khan had no connection to the Divine people rage about . It wasn't even that he didn't believe in God, or any type of faith, it was that the idea of that was never in the question. That was why we lived a religious-free life.


	12. Limerence

_I sprawled myself out onto the bed, Khan form quickly near mine. His fingers travelled their way down my arm. I felt tired. Today I rearranged the kitchen. Khan's lips were at my arm now, not only fingers giving me attention. I could hear the shake of his breath and knew he wanted more. _

_"Not Tonight, Khan," I groaned, closing my eyes. He slowed down about but continued his feed off of my skin. His head bumped against my nose gently as he slobbered over my chest. _

_"Khan, please."_

_"Mae, please." His hungry hands rubbing against my sides, squeezing when not necessary. _

_"I said, I'm not in the mood." _

_Without a moment to spare, his grip came onto my shoulders, using them as leverage to twist his way over me. His grasp like iron, forcing his tongue in my mouth. My pace quickened, along with my heart beat and I jerked my head away. _

_"Stop," he moaned, pushing down hard against my arms. _

_"You're hurting me!" I slightly cried out, wrangling my legs around. _

_"Stop moving and it'll hurt less," he said in an animal-like tone. A sudden rage boiled inside me and I thrashed around as hard as I could, managing to knock him over for a slight second. He leaned against his knee's and began undoing the buckle of his belt. I squirmed under him until he raised his arm. _

_The pain of the belt slapping hard against my face was a shock like nothing else. I froze, dumbstruck, clenching my eyes and waiting as the wound burned. With another raise of his arm, the shocks seemed to come instantaneously as Khan pelted the belt against me repeatedly. I wasn't aware I was screaming until he stopped as I didn't. Finally quieting down, I stared at the man above me, his hands shaking and breath raspy. _

_Everything happened all too quick. _

_Khan looked away, stumbling off me. I crawled off from the bed, desperately careful not to awaken a single muscle on my face as I walked out from the room, the sob in my throat was rising. _

_"Mae! Mae, wait!" I heard him call out. I rushed out across the hallway, past the computer room and into the bathroom. Making sure I locked the door, I sunk to the ground, raising my hands to cover my face. _

_The thud in my years was pounding. As my fingertips touched my skin in the lightest way possible, the sting came again. I could feel my face throbbing. With my face scrunching up, it burned hotter._

_It started slow, a few tears streaming down my cheeks. As I took in the second breathe, I coughed. All the fear I had, all the stress, it was pouring out and I couldn't stop. I didn't care if Khan could hear me, in fact, I wanted him to hear how much he hurt me. I let my voice wrangle on as it wanted to. _

_"Please, Mae, where did I go wrong?" he wailed against the door, hammering his fists onto the door. I would not listen to his mindless banter. "I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to stop." Khan repeated those sentences continuously, as if it were a song he knew all too well. _

_I cried harder, screaming and screaming me hurting face into the walls. Khan's muffled voice seemed mediocre and I wanted nothing more than for him to die of guilt. As minutes passed and he grew quiet, I got to my feet, resisting the urge to look at my disastrous face, and opened the door. Khan stood there, his body hunched and face reddish. His hands cam together, head coming forward as if we had a unity. I stepped away from him, only to be followed again by those pleading hands. _

_"Get away from me!" I shrieked. He watched, mouth closed and ready to give me attention. _

_"What? he said weakly._

_"You do not deserve me. In any way."_

_"I know."_

_"You do not deserve me or my body, okay? My naked body, Khan, is for those who love my naked soul, too!" He rolled his eyes. I knew he'd think I was too dramatic. "I'm serious! You can't just take what you want!"_

_"Sometimes Khan," I said in a feeble tone, "I just need to see a sign that you care."_

_"I do care." The rage grew red hot again. _

_"Do you see my face?!" I screamed. He shrunk a little. "Look at me!" His eyes met mine, reluctantly, and his expression softened. I saw the water in his eyes swell up as I ignored the water in mine. _

_"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know how to stop." He went on as he did before. I wasn't listening. _

_"You know what? I've had enough."_

_"What?"_

_"I've had enough of all of it. Enough of you, enough of this," I said, motioning to my face. He shook his head, wiping his tears angrily. "I'm giving up on you."_

_"No, you can't."_

_"I gave you everything!"_

_"Try harder," he whimpered. _

_"__**I gave you more!**__" I screamed with the loudest capacity I could handle. Khan shook with a small sob, crumpling to his knee's and elbows. He coughed to the ground, beginning to howl. His lament went on as his gruff hands curled around my legs, holding himself up. _

_"Please, please, Mae."_

_"Let go of me!"_

_"Please. I'm crazy. They all think I'm crazy-"_

_"Because you are!"_

_"It makes sense. To me, it all makes sense. I don't know how things work. For me it makes sense."_

_"Huh?" That was the moment. I gave him an inch and I was lost in his pleas, already. I knew it. His blurry eyes seemed to drawn me in, begging me for support. _

_"I don't know how to be like you. Things like this just happen. How do I stop? Please, Mae! How do I stop?" After he blubbered a bit longer, I spoke again. _

_"Maybe it would be better if we leave each other alone."_

_"No!" Khan barked. "I'll die."_

_"Come on."_

_"No, seriously. I'll die. And if I don't die, I'll kill myself." I crumpled with him onto the floor and held his quivering body. _


	13. Vacillate

Arguments were almost like a ritual for us to do before having raging sex.

_"There's nothing wrong," I said simply to Khan, sitting down in the captains chair. He stared at me as I propped on foot above the other. _

_"What were you going to say."_

_"Nothing."_

_"Just tell me."_

_"Maybe if you were listening, you would know."_

_"Maybe if you would repeat what you said, I would."_

_"Yup." We started at each other and I could almost feel Khan's temper rising. _

_"You know, you should be afraid of me."_

_"Oh, really?"_

_"Really." More looking. I broke the stare to switch legs and sigh, clapping my hands together bored-like. Khan stomped towards me and pulled me up. _

_"Why are you grabbing me?" I mocked. He said nothing, suddenly beginning to shove me lightly. _

_"Oh, what? You have an issue? I don't give a damn." I stepped away from him completely. _

_"You're acting like a child."_

_"Am I? Okay, let's be adults. Tell me what you said."_

_"It's not important."_

_"It obviously is because you wouldn't go to such lengths to keep it from me."_

_"Shut up, Khan." His hand came on my wrist, pulling me closer. _

_"Mae, I'll ask you one-" I slapped his hand away. Before I knew it, I was against the wall with Khan's arms on mine. _

_"Get off of me," I shouted, my heart quickening. _

_"You wanna be adults? Fine. Mae, as an adult, I order you to comply with me."_

_"Khan-"_

_"And, if you haven't noticed, I have you against a wall." He was laughing, now. "Because I'm stronger, believe it or not. Now, what is it you want? Rape? Is that what you want?"_

_"Sure," I shot back at him. He shook his head, still a hint of taunt in his attitude. _

_"Murder, Mae? Hm?"_

_"Yeah, whatever." _

_"Yeah what?"_

_"Murder me, I don't care, anyways."_

_"Hm?"_

_"Murder me! What? Did you not hear me, again?" I screamed it into his ear. A round-about slap come hard at my cheek and I would have fallen over if Khan didn't catch me. He dragged me to our bedroom, me spitting and kicking around. As his body came over mine on the bed, we stopped, our breaths somehow caught in between the same wave-length. Without a word, Khan began tugging at my pants, eager to get them off as fast as possible. I moaned at his touch. _

_"Come on," I edged him on. As my pants finally flew off, he flipped me on my stomach, in which I heard the unzip of his pants. Skin came against skin, an exhale against grunt. _

_"You won't be able to walk after this," he growled. _

That bastard, he was a saint.

_We slipped into our undies and crept into our blankets. Khan had raised his leg to dip over my side, laughing and slightly clenching my closer. I gently elbowed him and sprung out, feeling my way to get on top of him. Facing Khan, I watched his expression twist into a mischieviously smile as he squeezed my thighs. In a quick second, Khan dumped me down on the bed, flipping me on my back and holding my arms down. I giggled loudly, beginning to shout offensive things to him. _

_Play-wrestling was one of our favourite things to do. It was during these times that I felt safe enough to know that Khan wouldn't actually hurt me. I enjoyed this side of him. It reminded me of a childlike version of him, which I usually only got to see as he slept. _

_After wriggling and wrangling ourselves into each other, we soon settled into our cushions. Khan grumbled something into the bed sheet and I nudged him a 'hm'. He repositioned his arms to go at the sides of my head and let half of his chest lean into mine. I felt his voice send vibrations through my body as he spoke. _

_"I'm rich," he said quietly. _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, I'm rich, in all the ways that matter." I grinned. _

_"You think so?"_

_"Undoubtedly. I have food, water, a home, and I have you." That little warmth build up and exploded again in my insides, like a surge of energy that had just reached his absolute peak. Everything felt right at that moment. Everything felt worth it. _

Everything happened so fast. I was only hiding on the ship, following procedures that were forced down our throats for years as I worked in Star Fleet. Of course, I should have sneaked away and into an escape pod but Khan had stayed in the control room for hours. What was I supposed to do? What did I do wrong, honestly speaking?

Like I said, everything happened so fast. Our relationship happened fast, too, and mainly his authority over me was made loud and clear early on. I never could silently pray, "Dear God, let me live through this. Let me escape and go back home. Let me endure no harm." I didn't have time to panic or freak out; times to do that had already past. What I would give to have a do-over. Maybe a chance to have that day start over and begin again. My conflict between whether I would do things completely different so I could return safely to Earth or to do nothing different and keep things the way they were is still something I haven't decided on.

Since I first met Khan, it was all about us. There wasn't any questioning about our feelings, what we wanted from each other, what we needed. It was almost immediate. And he confessed this to me.

_"When I look into your eyes, I swear, I can see forever in them."_

Forever was a completely foreign concept for me. I didn't want to see forever with Khan on that ship. My life was wasting away and I couldn't do a thing about it. Nor could anybody else, and the constant thought of my family and friends, people who cared about me, who could not help, either, dragged on and on in my mind.

I tried to avoid thinking about this most times. Instead of dwelling on things I couldn't change, I kept putting on foot in front of the other and tried moving forward.

When I was feeling brave and confident, I took a pick at the logs Khan would write. Sometimes I got away with it. Sometimes Khan caught me.

_"How many times am I supposed to tell you?" Khan said, standing right in front of my beautiful view of the stars. I shifted in the captains seat, sighing and hugging my legs to my feet. _

_"Tell me what?" I asked as I smacked my lips. I made a point of playing around with my legs, leaning them over the side of the chair and propping them up. _

_"You know what I'm talking about," he said loudly, shoving my feet of the chair. I straightened my back to sit upright, facing him. I would not loose my game face, though. _

_"Your logs."_

_"No, you reading my logs. How many times am I supposed to tell you that you aren't allowed."_

_"You can tell me that as many times as you want, I'm still gonna do it." He stared, squinting his eyes. _

_"Do you not see me threatening you, here? If you ever read even as much as one word, I'll snap your spine in half."_

_"Yeah yeah yeah. I've heard that before. Lemme guess, you'll also spin my neck around? Shove my knuckles up to my elbows? Or what about picking my eyes out and forcing me to swallow them? Cause I loved that one."_

_"How about this," Khan mused, leaning against the armrests of the chair. "Next time you read one of my logs, I'll destroy you. Hm?" He stood up again and began to walk off. _

_"Just kill me already, would ya?" Why did I say that... why did I say that.. _

_I heard Khan's heavy footsteps turn right around and come back for me. Without saying another word, he pulled me up by the arm and got right into my face, intimidating me. _

_"You seem to be full of it today. So tell me, what is it you want?"_

_"Get out of my way."_

_"Tell me," he said, grip locked around the back of my arms, "what is it you want?"_

_"I want you to stop touching me and just be my friend."_

_"Your friend?" Now I felt small and inadequate. Khan always pulled this trick on me. He laughed. _

_"Yeah." _

_"Why would I be your friend? Or simply your lover, even? Why be any of those when I could be a god?" His words were grave and the silence wrapped tightly around us. He was waiting playfully for my rebuttal. _

_"Gods can't be idiotic and selfish." He raised his eyebrows, leaning closer. "And they can't torture people and lie to them."_

_"Shut up." My belly dropped and I couldn't look him in the eye as I spoke. _

_"You could never be a god, or anything good." The slap was hard and almost knocked me over. The pain irrupted as it spread across my cheek, like spilling water over a table. The second one came at the other cheek, making both sides of my face throb. The familiar gulp in my throat arose, causing my breathing to harden. _

_"You should be begging for my forgiveness," he hummed. _

_"No."_

_"Then you should be running."_


	14. Aeipathy

If you were to judge us, it would all depend on when exactly the camera would start rolling.  
Maybe you'd sneak a peak at Khan at his desk and me making dinner. From that, you might assume that we were like couples in the 50's, who stuck to their work a lot of the time. You also might assume that we didn't like each other, for we would spend hours and hours sometimes without talking. You may think that we didn't really liked each other that much, too, and purposely stuck to our work because of that.  
Perhaps the camera started rolling in the precise moment when I slapped Khan in the face. You'd see him cringe and face scrunch up like a little boy who was just struck by his mother. His shoulders would hunch inwards and body slump like he had a pain in his gut, and as I took no mercy on him, continuing to bash my hands against his face and scream, Khan would begin to cry. You'd feel sympathy for the poor guy and feel hatred for the abuser acting insanely

You may possibly see a hidden sex scene; an instance when our bodies intertwined, a beautiful warmth spreading across our bed like a wave crashing against the shore. Our breaths would be as if each were the last, desperate and dangerously urgent in receiving the next wholesome one. Although, during those times, air could not suffice, and you'd witness it first-hand as touch and movement became the chest that rises and falls, and kisses and skin become the actual air. The scene would be gentle and sensual, and you'd blush at seeing such a priceless thing.

Unfortunately, you may run into a few fights. The camera could catch us arguing over pointless things, like dishes or blanket sheets, or movies or books. You'd see how annoyance and irritation took a quick, harsh turn into brutality and savagery. Our words would become hurtful beyond belief, and by knowing each other so well and for so long, we'd use everything exactly the way it should be used in order to make the other feel worse. These occasions would perfectly express the inhumanity that withered and grew in that putrid ship. Sometimes I wondered if the air processors and conditioning were even producing some type of gas that contained chemicals of barbarity and cruelty, the fumes that we inhaled and exhaled every second of every day. It was truly vicious how we could treat each other. God forbid the camera catch me telling Khan how many lives he ended, how many people he's hurt and haunting him with that knowledge, or catch Khan bragging to me about how my existence was so inexplicably meaningless to the universe, how nobody could find me and how nobody would want to find me.

My point in all these lengthy, fancy, and rather truthful explanations is simply here to say that you cannot judge us. Not only for the fact that you were not Khan or I, and you were not on the ship with us, you cannot judge us, and please, don't try.


	15. Bouleversement

**"Benny! Hurry up! We'll start dinner without you!" Mom called out.**

**"In a minute!" Benny called back. Holding the dishes in my hands, I raised them higher as my sisters' two sons, Philip and Gabriel ran by, shouting playfully.**

**"Boys!" my sister, Donna, warned. She shook her head as she walked past me, setting out the cutlery. Mom made way through the kitchen and followed us into the dining room, setting down the plate of beef she made. We took turns in bring out the foot and Benny, my mom's late husband, came downstairs.**

**"Smells yummy," he murmured, settling down into a chair. We each slipped into our seats, Mom across from me, Donna to my right, and Philip and Gabriel at the sides.**

**"Gabriel, please put Iron Man down," Donna said. Gabriel whined a little but with a look from Donna, he slowly placed it beside his plate. The sight was so pleasant; our dishes clinked as we reached for the green peas and mashed potatoes, and the sounds of voices as we intermingled between one another.**

**"Where's Allen tonight?" Benny asked, referring to Donna's husband.**

**"He's at some seminar on how to 'effectively build sky scrapers', or something. The firm sent him there."**

**"Aah."**

**"That's too bad, I remember Mae telling me about his awful haircut," Mom said, giggling. I irrupted in giggles, too, as Donna pushed on my shoulder.**

**"It's not awful-"**

**"It's pretty bad," I intervened. She pushed me again and crossed her arms, looking mad. We silenced a bit and I gave in.**

**"Okay, it's not that bad." Donna softened and shrugged.**

**"Well, alright, it's a lopsided-" Benny and Mom laughed. "But it's not hideous." I continued to chew my mash potatoes, smiling as I noticed Philip looking at me.**

**"That poor boy, he works too much," Benny chimed in.**

**"You're telling me. I'm the one who sees him with those tired eyes all the time. He doesn't spend much time with the boys, either."**

**"I miss Daddy," Gabriel, the younger one, moaned.**

**"I know, sweetie, I know." I looked at Donna petting Gabriel's hair, smiling and telling him 'its okay'.**

**It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.**

**The words, they sounded so familiar.**

**Khan.**

**Reality came rushing back to me and I started crying. Mom noticed and her face instantly became worried, leaning forward.**

**"Mae? What's wrong?" she asked.**

_"Mae?"_

**"Mae?"**

_"Mae?"_

_I flinched awake, the wetness of my sweat disgusting me. Khan's face was clear in my vision and I slightly pushed him away, sitting up and unable to stop the sob that clawed its way up my throat._

_"Hey, hey, hey," Khan cooed, wrapping his arm across my back. I coughed hard, my sob turning to a wailing yowl. I wanted my mother. I wanted my sister. I wanted to see her two boys and her husband. I even wanted to see Benny._

_I thought hard about all their faces, determined not to lose a fraction of their beauties. I could feel them slowly slipping away, as all dreams seem to do, and cried harder._

_Khan tightened his hold on me and I instantly felt a hundred times worse. Khan was the reason I was here, and unknowingly, he was trying to make me feel better. It hurt; I felt guilty._

_"What's wrong?" he asked, face tainted with pure concern._

_"Nothing," I tried, my voice inching towards falseness._

_"Come on," he pressed, kissing my cheek and temple._

_"Bad dream," I tried again. He continued kissing me, rubbing my back along the way._

_"It's okay, it was just a dream." I let him comfort me as I sniffed and regained my composure._

_"Khan, I feel so lost." My cries built up and I whimpered pathetically. I know it was unlawful to seek right in my wrongs but I did it anyways._

_"You know what? I'm not lost. And we'll get through this. We will." I whipped my tears, my heart breaking at the sight of Khan's unease to see me like this. I did not deserve him._


	16. Diablerie

_I met Khan in the kitchen. He was sitting in the dark, fingers pressing into his eyes until I turned on the dim lamp above us. I slipped into the seat across from him, laying my arms against the table and leaning forward. _

_"What's wrong?" I asked, frowning. He shook his head, not taking his hand away from his face. I recognized this motion, it was something he often did when he got nervous. I reached out to hold his other hand. It felt cold and he didn't move a muscle, indicating he would squeeze my hand back. It felt limp and careless, so I inched back. _

_"I can't, deal," he said hardly, still not looking at me. _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, I can't deal, with anything." _

_"Khan-"_

_"Yes, my name is Khan, but I'm not sure what I am." I leaned back, ready to hear him out. He sighed, leaning back, as well, and continued to speak. "I just know there's something dark in me." I could feel my sympathy grow for him as I saw his eyes water up. _

_"I hide it. Always. I hid it in the past, I hide it from you. And you may think I'm a monster, but what you see here, now, is nothing compared to.." He let it drag on without another word. _

_"I don't believe that," I persisted. A sad smile arose on his face and he shrugged, shaking his head. _

_"You're too kind to me," Khan sung. "But he's here. This dark being, this voyager, wanderer, he's here. He's the one driving, you know? And when he is driving, I feel, alive, Mae. He does something to me. All the sickness, the wrongness doesn't even matter. I don't fight him."_

_"Try," I said defensively, half-understanding Khan's context. _

_"I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nobody else could love me."_

_"I love you."_

_"Please, Mae. It's called Stockholm Syndrome, okay? You know what that is?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"It's when the hostage falls in love with their kidnapper. It's described to be a psychological phenomenon in which hostages have sympathy and feel positively toward their captors. It's not common, it's rare, but you have it." I stared. now unable to make sense of Khan. _

_"I don't have that."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Shut up." It was quite, Khan picking at his nails. He heaved another sigh. I knew he wasn't finished. _

_"Like I said, nobody could love me. Not even, or, actually, especially, not me. Or is that just a lie that dark passenger tells me?" Khan's expression suddenly changed and he stared at me, eyes wide. "Because lately there are these moments that I feel, connected. In a way I've never felt before." That sympathy he spoke of came. _

_"Khan," I ached. He raised his hands to his face, gently sliding them down. _

_"And it's like, the mask is slipping. And ideas and thoughts, things that've never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter. It's scares me." I watched his confession unfold with a quickly beating heart. _

_"You don't need to be afraid."_

_"Don't I? What am I to do? How am I supposed to know what comes next?"_

_"You don't. And that's beauty of it."_

_"How is that beautiful? What if I make a wrong decision? What if I hurt you again? Or someone else?" I gazed at him. I didn't have an answer, or, at least I didn't know what the right answer was. _

_"Life is a game of chance, Khan. Look at how we ended up together."_

_"Hm."_

_"Let's say I was a man. Would you have killed me?"_

_"Probably."_

_"Why?"_

_"You'd seem less trustworthy, I suppose. I greater risk."_

_"And what if I was a child, what then?"_

_"I wouldn't kill you, but we wouldn't be together."_

_"See what I mean Khan?" He shook his head, beginning to cry. "I'm saying that things could have been totally different, and that its our choices that impact the future, whether we know it or not."_

_"So?"_

_"So, you need to make good choices, Khan. No one else is gonna look out for you. Not that dark wanderer, only you." He whipped his eyes, sniffing, trying to recover his self-control. _

_"And if I'm not strong enough?" I got up, feeling a little fed up with his pity-party. I love Khan, but I wouldn't participate in his loathing. _

_"Then, try again. There's nothing else you can do."_


	17. Fusillade

I can't really describe what it felt like to be on the ship, knowing that you were intended to stay there forever. It was mind-blowing; it was heart-stopping; I genuinely could not comprehend it. It wasn't like Khan and I never spoke of it, we did. And he told me, flat out, that I wasn't to leave the ship unless he told me to. Khan disabled all escape pods, all emergency signals I could send out and left me there, standing blankly.

Whenever I thought about home, I was gone. I wasn't on the ship anymore. Memories grew so powerful and they consumed me. Instead of the lights above me, rays of sunshine lit my path. And I could see my family, my friends and everything I had grown used to. Then, Khan's strong grip would squeeze at my elbow, directing me to move forward.

I remember Khan telling me about this escape pod that lost its way unto Earth. The woman inside was only in her twenties and all alone. They found her years after her oxygen ran out and her corpse rotting horribly. She was a real shock to all who were unfortunate enough to see her. I hadn't seen her, but I often forced myself to imagine the decaying body of a once lively person. As I would think of her, feeling sad and sorry, there was always this one voice screaming at me inside my head.

_"You're gonna die! And this is what you're gonna become!"_

I saw no end to life with Khan. I wonder if maybe it was because I simply lost hope and tried to enjoy my time the best, rather than going utterly insane, did I actually stay sane. I wished I could shut myself off, sometimes, too, so I could spend a bit more time away.

I wouldn't let myself cry to Khan about this. Well, at least not willingly. Khan caught me crying about it a lot in the beginning. He wouldn't tell me to shut up, though. He wouldn't hit me or do anything abusive. He'd only hold me in his arms, filling me with his masculine, almost amberwood scent, reminding me that I'm okay.

It was when I was alone did things get bad. I'd press my face in my arm, thinking about times when I was so relaxed and hadn't a problem in the world. When I wasn't busy, I'd paint my nails, watch movies, gorge myself in little pleasures. I'd go out with Robby and Diane and Chanel, and Taylor and Ahhamed, and my sister, and my old boyfriend, and my co-workers, and the thousands of people I grew up with, befriended, and even just walked by without speaking one word to.

People forget how lucky they are to be living in a healthy, happy, safe environment. There are people in South Africa, the country owning up to high rates of rape, violence and murder, or in Brazil, which is known to be the #1 place to get robbed from, as well as with high crime rates and an overall poverty-stricken place to live. Let's not forget Columbia and their count of 2,338 kidnappings in the 90's and huge supply and demand of cocaine, existing as one of the most lawless and fearful places on earth, along with Russia, also being a large consumer of drugs, the country filled with gangs, vandals and thieves. And Somalia, an extremely poor place that is well known for anarchy, corruption, lack of government and starvation, and additionally, home to the rivalry between clans and warlords. Again, not the greatest place to live.

I can relate to those poor people in those countries. I've endured pain on great lengths, too.

I've been sad and alone a lot in my life. Even as a child, I was often left alone at home. This loneliness increased exponentially in that ship. The feeling of being ignored by Khan, the only person there to comfort me. The rejection I felt as he'd lock me in a room, annoyed beyond belief by my mindless repartee. Or how Khan and I would fight and I'd feel like my world was collapsing. Why did I feel this way? Because it was collapsing.

I'm moody, I know. My opinion on the matter of the years I spent with Khan differs. Sometimes I look upon them as the hellish part of my life that was unfair and undeserving. Other times, however, I miss it. There are moments when, if I could change anything in my life, I wouldn't. Khan is worth it all, and I know I've mentioned this before, I just want to make this perfectly clear.

I would not change a thing. Khan in my life had more value than anything before. And probably anything that might ever be.

_Khan, Khan, Khan, Khan, la la la la . . . _

I'm probably delusional, I know. I was so in love with the man. I was so in love with the way his ear curved, our how his lips moved. I loved how my name suddenly sounded perfect and beautiful and important through his voice. I loved how he could swing me in his arms like a child, 'round and 'round until I begged him to stop, laughing and giggling all the way. I loved how I could make him laugh at corny jokes and we could eat breakfast together after we woke up. I loved playing our little games and running circles in our heads. I loved to scratch at his beard and he running his hand in my hair. I loved making love with him, in all places of the ship, even. We did it like animals in bed, on the ground, in the captains seat, in the showers, in the kitchen and, of course, in each other's arms, in the storage rooms, in the computer room, in the top deck . . .

I never want those times to end.

We weren't aware of the ship near us on November 23rd, 2271. We weren't aware they had disarmed ouer ship and we had no clue as to what was going on as a number of armed men and women beamed over. We weren't ready. Khan wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready.


	18. Vociferous

_"Khan Noonien Singh, you are under arrest for the attack against Starfleet and kidnapping of Mae Mila," one of them said. I stared, unable to meet the eyes of the five darkly-dressed officers._

_"Mae, get back," Khan said loudly, his arms extending in front of me. My heart felt like it stopped and was trying to burst out of my chest. My knees shook as I stepped back the slightest. _

_With that one step, the armed officers pounced and Khan turned to me harshly. His own stride pushed me into mine and we ran frantically out from the room. _

_"Go, keep going!" Khan screamed, a sudden panic in his voice which I've never heard. Running, I waited anxiously to wake up from this horrifiv dream. Nothing. I felt the sweat building up. _

_"Halt!" a man ordered. _

_"Into an escape pod!" Khan added. As we ran through the dormitory quarters, the officers only a few meters away, a loud smack sounded. I whipped my head back, having only a split second of Khan alone on the ground until a man and a women grabbed at his arms. Khan turned over on his back, kicking the women hard against the wall of the hallway and gripping the man's hand, swinging him down. His fists were like iron as he ruthlessly punched the man's face. Another women came out from behind and pulled on his shoulders, while I stood there, crouching, dumbstruck. _

_"Mae, go!" Khan pleaded. I couldn't. I would not leave him. I came forward, not thinking at all, and tried my hardest to pry the woman away. With a small grunt, she shoved me over and the other women who Khan had pushed before, held me against the ground. I watched as he elbowed the uniformed, growling and hitting them without restraint. He punched the women hard in the face, a fountain of blood quickly spilling out from her mouth and nose. He came over to me next, dealing with my officer mercilessly, kicking twice and moving her wrangling body against the opposite wall. _

_"Come on," he said, pulling me up. We took about two steps forward went a loud, electric buzz sounded and Khan almost fell over. I looked behind us, seeing the last standing man, walking casually towards us, a taser held strongly in his hand. _

_"Graah!" Khan sneered, standing up against and take a slow march. _

_"Halt," the officer said again. Another electric zap came and I shrieked. _

_"Stop it! Stop it right now!" Khan fell to his knee's, beginning to cry and grasp my arm. "Get up, Khan! Let's go!" The officer reached us, bumping me angrily and getting Khan against the ground. I got to my feet again, starting to tear up as I pushed my shoulder against him. I almost knocked him over, and as he shot another electric zap onto Khan, he turned to me. _

_"Don't touch her!" Khan's mangled voice went. I couldn't understand anything and my vision blurred. His fist swung at my face and I fell over, feeling light headed and dizzy. _

_"Amy!" the officer called out as he resumed his position on top of the limp Khan. I watched him struggle with all his strength but the electric charges weakened him greatly. He only jerked around momentarily as the women, Amy came forward. _

_"Traquilize him," he said clearly. I couldn't see well, at all, but Khan gurgled and shook. _

_"Leave him alone!" I said sloppily, crying. I used what strength I had and jumped on the officers back, pulling and thrusting. _

_"Her too," the officer said simply. There was a sharp pain in my side and a cool, freezing feeling spreading from that one spot. A tiredness overtook me without warning and I slapped on the ground, Khan next to me, quivering and struggling to get his hand on mine. _

_"Khhh-" I managed, the tears nicely developed in my eyes. _

_"Shh," he murmured, face scrunched up. "Ssss', okay. Sss' okay Mae." He was nodding, creating the smallest grin only I could see. I stared, wanting to die with him. His face went blank and eyes shut, followed by my own ceasing. _

All things must come to an end, I suppose.

The events that followed were not under my control. Khan and I were drugged, and therefore, unaware of anything that was going on. The officers 'escorted' us out from our home and into their ship, the _USS Odyssey_. It was a voyager ship that happened to come across ours. Apparently, as they explained to me later, the invisibility Khan set on for our ship was disrupted as the poked against it's power sources. They also explained how they noticed us floating there because of the heat radiations our ship sent off, which was constant and odd how it didn't grab another ships' attention.

Anyways, they took us on-board their ship and had us put into separate cells each; because it was a voyager vessel, they had these already. Lucky them. We were put sideways against each other and I could not see him.

These moments were one of the most scariest and loneliest of my life. I was very frightened during my first day and few weeks with Khan, I was frightened when he was frightening, but somehow, this scary during my time in the cell was different. I felt a longing for Khan. My brain was driving my nuts, thinking about him and what was happening to him. Were they hurting him? Was he okay? Did they kill him? Was he worrying about me? Thousands of questions that were left answered for days as only food and water were offered to me.

When I picture returning back to humanity, my fantasy was nothing like this. I pictured happy faces. Chatter and laughter. Lots of breathing and the clashing of objects, like books on a desk or forks on a plate. I imagined different lights and different floors. Maybe the ceiling could have been a different shade of white; hopefully something darker, more beige.

Sleeping alone was very hard, too. In the cell there was a thing bed, pillow and sheet to cover up in but that wasn't what bothered me. I liked sleeping with another sleeping being beside me. They provided warmth which I never realized how valuable it was until I lost it. My cell would also be completely darkened to a pitch black, leaving me feeling like I didn't exist. I was, again, just some spec in a confined world.

I don't know for how long I was in that little box but, eventually, a man came in and said I was free to roam the ship as long as I don't cause any ruckus. I didn't understand this at first.

_"Why are you letting me go?" I asked, clutching onto my shirt. _

_"Well, Ms Mila, we know you were being held captive so we don't really see you as a threat. Khan also reassured us that you aren't. He actually begged we let you go." I stared at the officer, helmet in hands so I could finally see his face. He was young, but blondish hair and beady, blue eyes. I hadn't seen another face in a very, __**very**__ long time. I scrambled to my feet and exited, my world growing three sizes bigger. _

There were so many people around me, always, or, at least that's how I felt. I loved all the commotion in the atmosphere, the livelihood of it all. It would have been so much more beautiful if Khan was with me.

I begged those in charge of the cells to let me see him. It took days for me to speak with Mr Keith, the captain of the ship. I was crying as I explained to him how I didn't have any plan of helping him escape, or anything, I just wanted to see him. With much considerations, and fuss, honestly, he finally let me into Khan's cell.


	19. Impetus

_"Mae!" Khan cried out, sitting upright in his bed. I let out a yelp of happiness and jumped into his lap. I heard the door shut behind me as I wrapped my arms and legs around Khan. The feel of his body against mine was so comforting and gave me such ease. I felt him hold me strong in his chest. We stayed like this for a long time, just breathing in harmony, almost as if we were asleep. When Khan finally moved to face me, he pressed his mouth onto mine. _

_Our kiss started soft, gentle, but quickly turned raging and passionate. I never knew how hungry I was for the taste of Khan until I got a little dose of it. Now, realizing how dry I was of him, I craving grew. _

_His hands were needy and begging for more skin. My hands slipping into the creases of his shirt, where little nooks of his body were seeping through. I slid my hand in to his collar bone and down his chest. I felt his grip on my waist tighten and curl around into my backside. I wanted more. I wanted to go further, but we both soon stopped, remembering where we were. _

_That feeling came again. The one that made tears run down from my eyes. _

_"Hey, hey," Khan murmured, smiling lightly. I couldn't believe he could smile at a time like this. _

_"I'm so sorry," I blubbered. _

_"Shh, shh."_

_"It's all my fault. It's all my fault."_

_"Hey," he repeated, this time louder. "Don't say that."_

_"It's true. I should have been quicker. I kept you back. You could have made it to a pod alone." I leaned in to cry harder into Khan's shoulder but he wouldn't let me move. _

_"Don't say that. Ever." We looked at each other, me trying to suppress the dire need to tear up another time. After a few long minutes, he shook me a little, smiling that smile once more. "Aren't you going to ask me how I've spent these pass few days?" I chuckled a little, schooching out from his lap and sitting cross-legged in front of him. _

_"How has it been?"_

_"Well, it's been absolutely awful." He let out a laugh that I didn't like. It sounded very weak and unsteady. "I've been bored out of my mind. And the only thing in my mind is you."_

_"Oh Khan, stop. Let's talk about what's gonna happen here."_

_"Seriously, you've been all I can think about. And, you know, I've been thinking about my life, too." I repositioned myself, listening intently. "I've come to realize that nothing in my life has been worth it. Except you." _

_"Khan-"_

_"And my life, I used to think it all had a purpose. It would add up to something like power or domination, or fairness, revenge for me. But no. It's all been leading up to you." I wanted to cry. _

_"I think I realized this the moment I saw you." I gave him a surprised look. "Yeah. It was like, when I saw you, I was kind of thinking, 'oh, there you are'. You know?" I laughed, blushing even more than before. _

_"I know," I said, nodding. _

_"It's you, Mae. Please, don't think it's your fault. I don't even care about my circumstances," he paused, looking around, "because it's you. It's all for you." I couldn't fall for his romantic antics at the moment. _

_"What do you mean you don't care about your circumstances?" I snapped. _

_"I just don't. I don't care. I'm done running, Mae. I'm done."_

_"How can you say that?" Damn; I was shedding tears. He laid his hands on my face, whipping away the stray droplets of water with his thumbs. _

_"Please, don't cry. I'm only being honest."_

_"So, you're done with us?" His expression immediately changed and he pressed his hands firmly into my jaw. _

_"Mae, don't you understand? I can't do anything anymore, but I still love you. How can__** you**__ even say that?" I shook his grip away and he sighed, returning a sorrowful gaze at me. _

_"I'm sorry," I mumbled, looking away. His hand slid over my knee and rubbed it. "It's just, I can't let go of you that easily."_

_"I'm not letting go."_

_"I can't even think about it, Khan. You know, I was in that cell for days. They only let me out two days ago. And every, single, time I closed my eyes, it was you. It was you and your stupid face and stupid eyes and that stupid little mouth," I said, giggling. I grabbed playfully at his face, planting another moist peck on his stubble. "I really, really like you. You have this way of making me feel like I've never felt before."_

_"I know how you feel," Khan said mockingly. _

_"Looking at you makes me want to smile. And your voice, I can't. I __**can't**__."_

_"I know, baby, I know. You light my world, too. But please, don't start saying your goodbyes. It's not goodbye yet."_

Yet. That three-lettered, horrid, atrocious, ghastly word.

After, Khan and I chatted a bit more but we were mainly interested in doing slightly sensual, primitive things. In simpler terms, we wanted to look at each other quietly, taking note on remembering this moment for the rest of our lives, and laying next to each other, half-asleep

_"Mae," Khan whispered. His voice was like a melody, making me feel more tired. _

_"Yeah?" I whispered back, opening my eyes. Khan hadn't opened his, but he had one hand close to his chest, squeezed hard into a fist. _

_"Don't ever forget me, okay?" I raised my hand to smooth over his hair, swallowing the throb in my throat. _

_"Of course not. I love you." He nodded rapidly, muttering that he loved me back, dearly. I watched as he scrunched his eyes closed, trying hard not to bawl. I slowly moved towards his forehead, kissing it warmly. He looked pained as I settled back, so I slipped my hand to his fist, urging him to relax and open it up. As he finally did, I took his cold fingers in-between mine, bringing them up to my lips and kissing those, too. _

We soon fell into a tearful sleep. I don't know how long they allowed me to stay there with him, but eventually, an officer came in to pull me out of Khan's drowsy arms.


	20. Chiaroscuro

Life on the _USS Odyssey _outside of Khan seemed pointless. My room was small and empty, apart from a bed and a table. I didn't spend much time there. When I wasn't sleeping, I was either eating or lounging around in different parts of the ship. Of course, I did this in my free time. My number one goal for each day was only to see Khan. Things didn't always go according to what I wanted. In fact, they usually didn't. I didn't get to see him for the majority of the times I wanted to. Because of my wanting and begging to go be with him, the Captain and I grew quite close. He's seen me cry, yell, laugh and practically do anything to get what I want. He didn't take a very good liking to me, but I could tell he had to be nice. Everyone was always so nice to me. It actually annoyed me at times. It wasn't real generosity, it was only the Human Resources people who worked on the_ USS Odyssey _who informed the other workers to be sweet with me because of my own situation and mental condition.

Ha ha ha.

I didn't even try to mingle with anyone else, really. It wasn't that I didn't like anyone or that I only wanted Khan; the reason was simply that I truly wasn't interested. I didn't care to hear anyone else speak to me or to speak to anyone else. I find that this is one of those early side effects with spending such a long time with Khan, which, as the Captain told me, was four years.

Hm, only four years. Too much, yet, too little. Time could never suffice. Especially in those specific times.

The second time I went to see Khan felt somehow worse than the first. I loved seeing his face and hearing his voice, but, the entire visit was drowned in the idea that our time was running out. The whole mood seemed dampened and we were left with our conflicting emotions, getting irritated and angry with each other, which basically ruined it all.

_Khan was wrapped in a ball, rocking back and forth, crying. He'd done this already twice since I arrived in his cell and he wouldn't let me hug him. _

_"Do you want me to help you?" I barked. He said nothing and I nudged him with my foot. "Khan!"_

_"What?" he barked back. _

_"Do you want me to help you?"_

_"You're the one who got me in here!" he growled. My heart sank and I felt like kicking him hard, right here. I would have, if we were still at home, but now, knowing that the others were watching us, I couldn't. I turned away, sitting up on his bed and crying into my hands. _

_"Mae, wait, I didn't mean that." I gruffly turned my body to the wall as he pulled on my shoulder. _

_"Don't touch me!" I shouted, slightly. It was almost like we were back on our ship. I continued weeping, Khan slowly sitting up beside me, hand around my back. _

_"I'm sorry," he half-whispered. "It's not your fault."_

_"But you just said-"_

_"Forget what I said. Forget it, okay? Forget everything. Just listen to what I'm saying now."_

_"Okay," I said repeatedly, snuggling into the crook of his neck. _

_"I love you. Ever since the moment we met, I loved you. It's you, it's all for you. You have to see that, Mae." _

_"No, no, no," I sung, shaking. _

_"Hey, let's talk about something else." Khan began babbling on again with those stars. I started to loosen up a bit and we eased into each other, me leaning against Khan and Khan into the wall. I drew circles on his thigh as he spoke of some quadrant I didn't recognize. Or was it because I wasn't listening? I didn't care. I liked hearing him talk casually, like he used to. And it was hinted with that trace of pure excitement over the topic, as well. This was a good moment. _

_"Nothing can make me feel like you do," I said suddenly, out of the blue. He looked at me funnily, snorting. "When you look at me, it's just like, it's the way I've always wanted to be looked at."_

_"You're getting further poetic, Mae," he said, teasing me. I gave him a look and rolled my eyes. "Something about you amazes me."_

_"Only one thing?"_

_"Okay, a lot of things about you amaze me. But I haven't told you all of them. One of them is you're," he stopped, thinking of the right word, "capability to love me."_

_"Explain, Khan."_

_"Well, alright, I'm not surprised I fell in love with you. But Mae, imagine my surprise when you were more than willing to be __**together**__." I began laughing. Before I knew it, I was snickering like a maniac and Khan laughed, too, confused. "What?"_

_"You're crazy. How could I not love you? Just hear yourself talking about stars and planets, and telling me that you loved me at first sight and I'm worth it all. You're so kind, you even lie to make me feel better."_

_"Stop," he said coldly, regarding my last statement. I wasn't bitter and continued. _

_"Don't doubt yourself, Khan, you can be quite the Romeo." Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. As we quit smiling and began returning back to reality, the sinking pain returned, also. _

_"I would give anything to get you out of this mess," I said lazily. _

_"Captain Keith is surely enjoying my imprisonment."_

_"I don't wanna talk about him." We were silent and I wondered how long I still had with Khan. "I would give anything," I repeated. _

_"Mm," Khan grunted. _

_"Seriously. I tried. I tried offering Keith money from my bank accounts back on Earth. I don't even know how much money I have anymore," I told him, shaking my head. _

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, and I offered to please him in whichever way he wanted." It almost amused me how fast that got his full attention. _

_"Look at you, a sexy seducer," he taunted, grinning. _

_"I'd do anything for you," I shrugged. _

_"Please, don't," Khan said quietly. "I don't need you to."_

_"Why do you keep asking me to stop trying to fix things? Don't you want to fix things?"_

_"Obviously. But I know you can't do anything about it." I sighed angrily, ready to begin another argument. Khan noticed this and started his explanation. "Listen, first of all, they see you and think that you're totally brainwashed, because you are. Okay? You're delusional. I am a bad man, Mae. Whatever you might think of me, I've done a lot of bad in my life. And they don't care if you love me. They just care about destroying a threat, which they are right to do." _

_"Don't expect me-" I tried. _

_"I don't expect anything from you. Just, think about the good times, alright?" His voice hitched itself to a high pitch, indicating a quiver in his tone. I looked to his redish eyes, now turned away from me. _

_"It was magical," I told him, eager to make him feel better. _

_"Yes."_

_"You're magical." I got what I wanted; another grin._


	21. Melisma

Fortunately or unfortunately, Khan wasn't completely isolated. Captain Keith informed me that Khan went through a few interviews with other members of Starfleet who were actually qualified to ask him questions. Captain Keith explained that it was for files and records that Starfleet was mandated to keep track of. I ask him if Khan had a court day or, really, what was going to happen back home. I didn't want to hear his answer but listened anyways.

_"After more interrogation and documenting, Khan's set for an execution." I could feel my chest rip and veins pop. I want to scream. I wanted to hit him. And, more powerful than any other emotion, I wanted to sob. _

_"Why? Why can't they just keep in jail? Or, or-"_

_"No, he's done too much. It's too big a risk to leave him in jail." Captain Keith looked somewhat pained to tell me this. _

_"He won't do anything, I promise! I promise!" I was getting frantic and panicky now. I was already slapping my hands against his chest, making a racket. Other workers looked slyly at us, unsure of what to do. _

_"Hey, stop," the captain said. They were Khan's words. I cried harder. My hands slipped around the man and he hugged me back awkwardly. The pain in my chest came out wrangled and ready for a fight. _

The period of time that I spent sobbing in my room wasn't that long, only a few days, but these were the scary days. The days I considered either murdering the workers who kept Khan away from me, along with Captain Keith, murdering myself or murdering Khan. This was a great sadness in my life.

We arrived back on Earth in a number of days. It took about two and half weeks in total for all the preparation, the actual trip and landing. December 9th was that day. Although some people were happy to be home, I was star-struck. As they brought out the people from the _USS Odyssey_, I couldn't be more excited. Khan and everything faded away and the only things running through my mind was the fact that I was going to breathe real air for the first time in years. My heart was beating like a maniac and I couldn't stop smiling. I remember this day perfect because it was simply so life-changing and beautiful. We landed the ship in a Starfleet regulated docking area. The landing was all so precise and steady. As I stepped out from that platform, heaven came upon me.

_The brightness was way more than I could handle. I squinted my eyes, determined to see something at least. That's when it happened. A cold breeze rushed over my body, reminding me of the current month, and I swear, I was floating. I stood there, frozen, letting the wind surround me like water. I never felt so cleansed and refreshed. God, what was I missing down here?_

_I started crying. I seemed to do that a lot. It was a happy cry, though. A wowan looked at me carefully, touching my arm and saying something I couldn't hear. I nodded, knowing that she was probably asking about my sanity. Maybe I was lying. I don't care. I closed me eyes again and raised my arms a little. This was a moment to be dramatic. _

_I began reopening my eyes now, witnessing another glorious thing. It was snowing very softly. Little white fluffs made their way down into my hair and onto my skin, dissolving into tiny little droplets. I came forward off the platform completely. There were hundreds of people swarming around me, moving and always moving. I looked upwards to the great building entitled 'Vessel Unloading and Runway'. Continuing my gaze upwards, there it was. It was perfectly white, just like how I remember it being in the wintertime. The agonizing dark, empty space that I was used to seeing was no longer in my sight and I was happy I stopped again, letting the harsh chill rise up on my arms and my neck. _

_"Clear the way!" I heard someone shout faintly. I hadn't moved a muscle until a slight handle on my sleeve pulled me to the left. _

_"Mae, come on," Captain Keith muttered, standing me next to him. I looked to his gaze and watched as a group of armed men circled Khan, stepping to the platform. I stepped forward, wanting to be nearer and felt the captain's hand instantly grasp my shoulder. I didn't take a notice of him as I watched Khan's face. His eyes were closed as well, walking forward. He soon reopened them and finally met my eyes. I breathed roughly, unable to stop my smile. I dreamed about sharing this moment with him, except, in my dream, he was handcuffed and heavily guarded. To my surprise, he gave me a weak smile back, but soon returned his sight frontwards. I watched with Captain Keith as Khan as his escort group took him into the building. _

_"Where will they take him?" I asked._

_"Standard procedure. They'll check him into the system, give him a change of clothes. Then it's off to the penitentiary." _

_"Oh." It was quiet. "What about me?"_

_"You'll have to go in their too." I nodded, beginning to walk about from him. "Mae?"_

_"What?"_

_"He's due on the 15th."_

These were the words that ended me. I didn't say anything, just walked off.

_6 more days. 6 more days. Only 6 more days._

I did what Captain Keith told me and went into that building. It was so busy in there, too. I actually enjoyed all the commotion. I loved human noise; voices and machinery, papers and phones ringing. I loved looking at the different faces. The different lights even intrigued me.

As the started taking an account into me, real reality started rushing back to me. Things that I haven't had to think about for years suddenly became insanely relevant and pressing. There were people I needed to call, furniture I had to reclaim, an apartment to sign off from because it was already bought out, friends I had ask to stay with. In a way, I didn't want to deal with any of it. There was a huge amount of responsibility placed on me and I wasn't sure if I wanted it. On the other hand, however, I loved it with all my heart. I wanted this for so long, yet, when I finally got it, I still wasn't satisfied.

It was most likely than when my new dream became this normal life, which included mortgages and family dinners and outings, came in with a life with Khan. I could close my eyes and pretend Khan and I were married and were at a restaurant, perhaps with some old friends, laughing about the times we had together, eating fancy dishes like a spiced steak or linguine pasta. We'd get back home late, a bottle of wine in my hand, given to us by a friend. Khan would pop it open and spill it into my cup. We'd clink our glasses and continue drinking, watching some late night program. As we slipped into our bed, we could complain about things we had to do the next day, like normal couples.

Starfleet didn't have a special option for kidnapped victims that are found. There wasn't any type of plan that was arrange for me to follow or any idea of how to help. The administrators of human resources and the directive admirals decided they'd gave me a grant of $500 to figure my life out. I had to find a place to live and food to eat from. For my first night back on Earth, I returned a room in the closest hotel nearest Khan's penitentiary, which wasn't very nearby at all. Understandable, though, why would they make a hotel beside a jail? Either way, I checked myself into the Starry Inn. It was almost as if the odds were purposely mocking me.

The only person I called was my dad, and it was a real nerve-wrecker. Even if Starfleet already called him, I wanted to speak to him myself, too.

Hearing his voice was, honestly, like a rebirth. His voice brought back every single meaningful memory I had of him, everything I knew about him and his personality, and overall, just how much I actually missed him. I cried while talking to him, as usual, and he cried, also. We didn't really talk about much just said 'I love you' back and forth. He demanded he come see me right than but I told him no. And there is was again, that controlling temper of his. It still makes me smiling thinking about it. I told him no and that I wanted to be alone until things were over. After explaining what I meant why that, he was little angrier than I thought.

_"Who cares about the bastard?" Dad spat. _

_"I do. I love him." Dad was silent but I wasn't going to back down. _

_"Tell me where you are."_

_"No, you're not coming here."_

_"Mae, it's been four years and you're telling me I can't see you?"_

_"Yeah." I heard him sigh loudly over the phone. "Listen, I'm gonna go."_

_"We just started talking."_

_"I'm sorry, but, I have to." _

_"Okay. I love you, sweetie."_

_"I love you, too, Dad." I sniffed, quickly hanging up the phone and breaking down into a fit of sobs._

I repeatedly tried arranging another visit with Khan but the only day that was available was on the 14th. And this is always the hardest part to tell.


	22. Redolent

_The jail keeper opened up Khan's cell and the door came open with a 'whoosh'. Khan's face shot up at me, a smile irrupting on his face. I could not return his smile and I woefully made my way over to him. He wrapped his hands around my face, whispering reassuring things that made no sense to me. I watched as the door shut and engulfed myself in the man. We kissed and as he let go, he laughed, again, amazing me. _

_"How can you laugh at a time like this?" I croaked, whipping away my premature tears. _

_"How could I not? I'm always happy when I get to see you." Khan gave me that look that said the answer was obvious. I slid to the ground, sprawling myself out and sighing. Khan followed me, sitting casually in front of me. I came upright, taking the time to star into his eyes. That thought scratched in the back of my mind; this'll be the last time I can do this. _

_"I can't believe it was snowing outside," Khan said mindlessly, twiddling his thumbs. _

_"Yeah."_

_"And it was so chilly, you know? It wasn't that cool winter air, no it was freezing." He chuckled, I watched. "And I saw you there with __**Captain Keith**__. He's taken quite a liking to you."_

_"What?"_

_"Captain Keith? I've seen the way he's looked at you." _

_"What are you talking about? Khan, it's tomorrow."_

_"I don't want to talk about that."_

_"What do you mean? Tomorrow's the 15th."_

_"I said, I don't want to talk about that."_

_"You're gonna die!"_

_"You think I don't know that?!" he suddenly shouted. He looked at me with those intense, angry eyes that I knew all too well. Khan quickly covered his face in his hands. _

_"I'm sorry-" I murmured. _

_"I don't want to spend my last day fighting or being angry. Or being scared," he said into his arms. "I just want to be happy with you." He lifted his head up, eyes a bit watery. The brave, strong Khan I knew whisked them away without a care. He looked like he had something to say as he opened and closed his mouth. I giggled a shaky giggle, making Khan giggle, too. _

_"I have so much to say to you. I can't decide what to start with. Blah," he grumbled. _

_"Relax, we've got time," I said, trying to sooth both of us. He nodded, frowning for a moment and easing in the next. _

_"Okay, well, I really didn't want to do this. I hate goodbyes and disclosures, but, I want to do them. I feel like, it's better for the both of us."_

_"Okay."_

_"Mae, I want you to know that I don't blame you for anything. Anything, at all." I breathed in to speak but he did stopped me. "And I don't want you to ever, for a single second, think otherwise. Okay? Honestly, Mae, you've given me heaven in my life."_

_"Khan," I blushed. _

_"In our ship, I was so happy. I was so happy to wake up to your voice, to see those eyes and everything about you. I'm insanely lucky to have met someone who can listen to me talk about stars for hours. Or who could make me breakfast. Or who could make me feel, like you do." He leaned in to kiss my cold cheek, smiling and rubbing his hands on my shoulders. _

_"You've taught me all aspects of biology, too." I looked at him, confused by his joke. "I never knew how much a single, human body could crave another." He laughed at himself, almost giddy-like._

_"Stop," I begged him._

_"I want you to know that you are worth dying for."_

_"Don't say that," I barged. _

_"You are absolutely worth dying for and if I had to choose between you living here, without me, or living together forever up in space, I'd die."_

_"Don't."_

_"Mae, you have a future here. Education, adventure, relationships, children. Things I can't give you."_

_"I can't love anybody else."_

_"Then at least try to." I looked away, shaking my head in annoyance. _

_"I don't understand how you can expect me to just move on? How can I begin anything new?"_

_"We've talked about this the last time. I have no expectations for you. I have hope and love. I love you, Mae. And I'll support you in anything you do." _

"_Just like how you'll support me when you're dead."_

'_Mae."_

_"What'd you choose?" I said out of the blue, angry. _

_"What?"_

_"What did you choose? As your form of execution?" He stared, looking like he was weighing the options of answering or not. "Khan, I will be there when it happens, so you might as well just tell me." Another moment of silence. _

_"Lethal injection."_

_"Khan!"_

_"Look, the only other options were a hanging or the electric chair, alright? This state only has so many forms of dying." We shook our heads, me already feeling madly guilty for asking such a question. _

_"Why do they even allow execution?"_

_"I don't know. In a way, it's quite savage, in another, though, maybe it's smart."_

_"I know you wouldn't hurt anyone here," I told, squeezing his thigh. _

_"I don't." More silence. It was making my throat throb of the whimpers I was holding back. _

_"You look spiffy in your uniform," i murmured, forcing a grin. He grinned back, pretending to straighten his shirt. _

_"Hm, I thought so."_

_"Very sexy," I said. _

_"Please, with you in the room, I might as well be a rug." We snickered lazily, sitting cross-legged. "Mae, do you remember who you were before we met? The person you were before I told you what to be?"_

_"No," I said, slightly irritated by that last part. _

_"I want you to be that person."_

_"Why?"_

_"I've had a lot of time to myself lately and all I do is just replay times that we've had together over and over again. I'm not good for you, Mae. And I think I've said this before."_

_"Khan-" _

_"No, I'm not. I want you to keep the goodness from me, whatever goodness I have, and just, reapply it to yourself, okay? I understand that it's hard to forget me." I nodded, slowly rubbing my eyes. "Right?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"It's not too easy forgetting me, right?"_

_"Of course not. I won't ever."_

_"Don't lie to me." I noticed the sudden change in his expression, making me see the seriousness and importance of this to Khan. _

_"Hey, I'm not lying," I said, scooting so I could sit right next to him. I wrapped my arm across his back and pulled his hands away from his face. He was crying and that made me ever more worried. _

_"I'm-" he blubbered, coughing loudly. I rubbed his shoulders harder, unable to let myself cry with him. "I'm so afraid you'll forget me and move on."_

_"Baby, I won't, but I thought that's what you wanted."_

_"I know that's sounds sick and it's wrong, and I do want you to have a good life after me, but, please, don't forget me."_

_"I won't," I repeated. _

_"I'm so scared that I'll have no impact to anything. I feel like I've done nothing but bad in this world, and maybe, you could be my good." That was it, I was tearing up. _

_"Yes, Khan."_

_"Will you?"_

_"I'll be your good." He smiled a little, a tear still running down his reddening cheek. _

_"You're so wonderful, Mae, how can you show me such kindness? After all I've done? The people I've killed? The horror I've created? How I would treat you.." More crying. "I'm guilty, I'm so, __**so guilty**__!" I forced myself into him, not allowing Khan to cover his face again. He sobbed into my shoulder and we rocked back and forth until he quieted down. _

_"You're not very easy to forget," I said playfully, making things a little lighter. "Listen to this." Khan regained some of his composure and listened, sniffling. "Even now, Khan, when I look at the stars, I think of you." _

_"Okay," he murmured, smiling the tiniest smile. _

_"And that's in the 1% of my time when you're not on my thoughts." Khan snorted, making us both feel better. _

_"I'm still learning so much about you," he said softly. "After four years, you cease to amaze me." I kissed him once. Twice. And then Khan lifted me into his lap again, hands running down my waist and thighs. I took a breathe and kissed him once more, getting off him. _

_"It's not like you don't amaze me," I said to him, sitting like I did before. "I have no clue how you can be calm." _

_"I'm not calm."_

_"Well, you sure act like it."_

_"I was just balling."_

_"Before that." We were silent, playing with our fingers until I spoke up. _

_"I don't know if you know this, but, I'm not calm, either. I'm dying. I wish I was right where you are, getting executed."_

_"Mae, please, that's the last thing I wanna hear."_

_"It's true. Anything is better than this. Khan," I said urgently, focusing on my words and keeping myself stable, "I'm so scared of losing you."_

_"Don't be."_

_"I can't even imagine, you not, alive. I don't wanna say it cause it sounds ugly but, life, without you, existing?! It's frightening. I'M scared, right now." _

_"Please," he moaned, squeezing both my hands. _

_"I can't deal, I can't, I just can't." I was shaking now, both my head and my entire body. It was like a quiver took over me and I jolted around, retraining myself from simply exploding. _

_"Listen," he said clearly, raising his grip to my shoulders. I stared into his eyes, turning my complete attention to Khan and not thinking about legitimate reality. "Listen. Sometimes, things, don't, work out. And that's okay."_

_"But Khan, this is your life-"_

_"Sometimes, things just don't work out, and that's okay. Mae, I'm okay with dying. You know what worries me? Is not being with you. I'm the same. I scared of being alone. But you know what I've realized?"_

_"What?" I asked, my voice stuffy. _

_"That I won't be alone. You know why?" He had that fatherly smile now. _

_"Why?"_

_"Because, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you. Here." His finger came to my heart and I melted away. I hugged Khan to myself again, taking another moment to remember what it was like to feel whole. _

_"You complete me," I whispered into his ear. He said nothing, just traced his lips from my neck to ear, kissing it over and over. There was a sudden knock on the door and a booming voice. _

_"10 minutes." We sighed, my heart beating like an animal. Khan shook his head at me and led us to the bed, where we laid down, facing each other. Khan rested his arms together, closing his eyes. _

_"Mae, can I just ask one more thing of you?" _

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you sing me a song? Like you used to at home?" I could feel the warmth from my body escape and I gave what little I had to Khan. _

_"Of course." _


	23. Cenotaph

Date: Thursday, December 15th, 2271

Time: 11:00am

Subject: Execution of Khan Noonien Singh

Lethal Injection. Those two words were often the only thing running through my head the night of the 14th. I made a point of researching every aspect of this form of execution.

Khan was going to come out, strapped to a gurney, getting wheeled in by two authorized men or women. They'll insert two IV cords into each forearm. However, considering Khan's bodily circumstances, I wasn't sure; they might add multiple ones just to totally knock him out. Then they'll swab the soon-to-be-injected areas of the arm with alcohol. It was funny, though, how every piece of equipment would be sterilized. I mean, it's not like the condemned prisoner would be alive to later contract an infection on his dead corpse. They'll add saline drips, which are basically just extra cords to make sure the IV lines don't get blocked up and the chemicals can successfully enter.

After much deliberation, I got the old Captain to get me information on how the drugging was going to go down. He informed me that the doctors would be following Intravenous therapy, which is the sequence of drugs sprung into the veins. With that name, researching the procedure wasn't hard.

Khan would begin with Sodium Thiopental, which'll be the main drug that renders him unconscious in 30 seconds. It's main purpose is the depression of the respiratory system. Pancuronium Bromide would be the next injection, relaxing the muscles and shutting down the entirety of the skeletal striated muscles. Lastly, Khan would face Potassium Chloride, stopping his heart immediately. Although each drug is meant to kill you anways, they're all be given in this order to make sure it does the trick.

These are all just words and names. They don't mean much to me. Khan matters, and what he's feeling. If only I could be with him.

_It was 10:00am, currently, and I couldn't have felt more lifeless. I was in the building's lobby early, at 8:00am. I couldn't sleep a wink last night and I didn't even try. My night consisted of lying across different sections of my hotel room, crying pathetically and hitting my fists against anything in sight. My hands were well enough bruised and I probably looked like a monster. I couldn't care less. _

_As 10:00am rolled around, the commissioners opened the doors. I was the first into the grey room, seats provided, facing a large window into the actual room where they murder the criminals. Today, it would be my criminal. _

_I couldn't cry anymore. My tear ducts where absolutely drained. My face felt rough and like it would begin scabbing soon on account of how many times I've rubbed at it, wiping the salty water from my eyes. I was tired like I've never felt before. It was the kind of tired that made me simply indifferent to anything going on around me, apart from Khan. I wore the same clothes as I wore before, slightly hoping Khan wouldn't notice. On one hand, I would have wanted to look my best for him, but on the other hand, I had no energy. I couldn't remember the last time I ate or drank, yet, this didn't bother me in the slightest. _

_After I entered here this morning, I took a seat right in front of the window, which let us see into the smaller execution room. I want to be as close as possible to Khan. People started filing in quickly about ten minutes into the same hour. Surprisingly, there were quite a few people. It started to piss me off because I had no idea who they were. I know Khan pretty well, and if I didn't recognize them, they weren't important enough. _

_Most of the men and women there were crying. I hadn't really understood why until I finally heard an old woman scream out. _

_"My son! He killed my son! Owen! Owen!" I watched her shake and shudder as another older gentlemen held her close, most likely the father and husband. I glanced around the room; everyone here was a victim. _

_I tried to ignore their painful cries and stared straight ahead. I wouldn't let them get to me. Shut up, I wanted to tell them, I'm losing a loved one, too. _

_I looked up to the clock, my heart dropping at the time. It struck 10:30. Only thirty more minutes. What was Khan thinking? If only I could be with him. Oh, what I would give to be with him; to hold his hand, kiss him once more. Hold him once more. _

_Just once more. _

I often think back on my time with Khan, somehow wanting to redo the whole thing all over, again. It'd be worth it.

_10:35. My hands are clammy and I rubbed as much sweat as I could off onto my pants. I could feel my throat aching, a feeling I've grown familiar with, but no tears came. I didn't want to cry. I wanted Khan to see I'm okay. _

_I don't know, maybe I'm sick. I want Khan to be composed when he comes out. If he's wailing, I might collapse. I can't take any more of this. And to add onto my wrongful thinking, in the pit of my stomach, I just wanted everything to be over. Khan dead, me practically dead. I wanted things to finish._

_The weeping from the rest of the audience continued and it drove me mad. I wanted to punch them all, hard, even. They don't know Khan. They don't know the kind of man he was. How he used to sing after we woke up. The way he'd cook. Didn't they realize they were ending a life? Since when was that ever to be celebrated? I wanted to rip their throats out and shove it down my own, just so I wouldn't need to witness the passing of my sweetheart. _

_As I fidgeted roughly in my seat, trying to maintain proper breathing and keep from hurtling a chair at the others, a figure slowly sat down next to me. I whipped my head to the being and met Captain Keith's guarding eyes. I looked straight at him, uncaring towards his obvious awkwardness towards my stare. With a shake of my head, I glanced away. _

_"Hey," he said quietly. I couldn't help but look at his clothing, as it looked so different than when I usually saw him in his uniform. He was wearing black slacks and a button-up blue dress shirt. He was dressed formal. It made me nauseous and more pissed off than I already was. He didn't know Khan either. Yet, he had gone all out, down to the black socks and black shoes. I wanted to stomp on him until he put himself back together and exited shamefully, as he should. _

_"Captain," I spat to him, not even looking directly at the man like before. I could sense his gentle, soft aurora penetrating me delicately. I wouldn't budge. _

_"Adam. My name's Adam," he said slyly. "Adam Keith." I still didn't look at him as he renounced himself. "I know, right? Two first names? Yeah, sounds a little silly." I said nothing back. _

_"It's just that it's kind of like a tradition in my family. My father's name was Adam Keith, too. And his father, and his father before that-" he went on, slowly stopping as he probably saw I wasn't interested. Although, I actually liked that he was rambling. It gave me a moment to think about something else. _

_Khan's words echoed in my head. He had mentioned the Captain to me. I felt like I was betraying my best friend by sitting with him. _

_"Why are you here?" I shot at him. "You didn't know Khan. You weren't friends."_

_"But I know you. We're friends." That nauseating feeling irrupted harder into my gut. It was ironic, too, thinking of how Adam thought he might be actually comforting me, rather than making me sick. It wasn't that his gestures were literally nasty; it was the guilt they brought on that made me want to throw up. _

_I looked at the clock on the wall, again, my heart jumping. 10:52. Adam followed my gaze and that's when I finally looked at him. _

_"Don't," I warned him. I didn't really know what I was telling him not to do, I just didn't want him to do it. I closed my eyes, trying to relax even the slightest bit. Just as I began to wonder when they'd wheel Khan out, I watched as the doors opened from inside and He, strapped hard and heavy into the gurney, came out, face straight. _

_The room instantly quieted, leaving my quick gasp to be like a shriek into the air. I leaned forward, ignoring the hand slightly near my arm, watching the man I love. They dressed him in only a hospital gown and moved slowly around him. There were only two doctors, also dressed professionally. One waiting with Khan as the other came in with other machinery and a cart filled with deathly syringes and needles. We all stared intently, as if it were a goddamn movie, as they set up the tools and instruments. _

_Khan finally saw me. I could barely breathe as his dark eyes melted into mine. My body attacked. I screamed, the impact of my fists slamming on the window coming only after Adam grabbed me back onto the seat. I screamed another time but suddenly stopped as I watched something magnificent happen. _

_Khan was smiling. _

_I shook my head madly as the doctors inserted the wires into his forearms. Khan didn't wince or have any reaction to the sharp objects getting stabbed into his skin. He only looked at me with such an intense, joyful smile that I could only smile back, the best I could. _

_"He's a murderer!" someone shouted. I felt no hate to them, only love for Khan. He didn't seem to care either and shrugged, his chin funnily doubling as he had to lift his head to see me. _

_An insane worry flooded through me; I hadn't been watching the doctors! Where were they at? Had they already entered the Sodium Thiopental? What if this would be the extra dose of Potassium Chloride? Than why is he still awake?_

_Another, wider, grin from Khan. It was silence, but I could hear his voice as he mouthed those two words I knew best. _

_**It's okay.**_

_Without warning, his hands clenched and he shook in the tiniest way. Khan's head fell back into the gurney. _

_Silence. _

_' _My world only began sinking down into the ocean.


	24. Vicissitudes

I really don't like to think about the aftermath of that day. That one image of Khan's limp, lifeless body was stuck in my mind, as it always has been. I remember when they asked me if I wanted to cremate him. I did. I thought about having a grave for him. I don't know, I felt like I'd be the only one who'd actually treasure it. Instead, they gave me his ashes into a small, white box, into my shaking hands. I remember Adam talking the box from me and taking me into his car.

_"I'll take you back to your hotel room," he said, setting Khan down onto the back-seat. I watched that box intently, feeling totally disconnected from everything. That was not Khan in there. _

_"No," I murmured, deadly. "Take me to the lake."_

_"What?"_

_"The lake."_

_"It's cold out." _

_"I wanna go to the lake." _

Adam, reluctantly, took me. I'm still not completely sure why I wanted to go. It was a cold day out, the snow falling heavily. It looked like a storm was under-way. I remember standing right near the frozen water, which was then hardened into ice. It also had a heavy layer of light snow covering it, making it look mighty inviting. I walked delicately onto the ice, Adam's worried eyes on me. I only took a few steps forward, then just stood there for a long, long time. I simply felt so lost. It was like my life had nowhere to go anymore.

I remember Adam a lot from that experience. He stood there the whole while, not complaining, despite the freezing cold. He waited with me through it all, without saying a single word.

Returning to that white box was very hard for me. As Adam dropped my off at the hotel, I got back to my room and stared at the wretched thing. I couldn't grasp the fact that Khan was burned and this was him. I couldn't. I still can't. Part of me still believes Khan is wandering about, not in this box. But then, that image of his pale body comes to mind, and it all crashes down again.

I took a a shower for about a million years. The water was so hot that, eventually, my back just numbed out and the steam relaxed me. I laid down in the tub, legs up against the sides and let the water caress my body. Tears came at random. I couldn't tell what actually came from me and what was only a droplet from the shower water.

Falling asleep in there was easy. Waking up was the hard part. Waking up was always the hard part.

Blinking my eyes open to a new day reminded me that I was alone, again. There was no Khan beside me anymore. He would never be there again. And this kept me in bed for days, weeks. My dad began to pay for my hotel bill because I refused to leave. I started to refuse a lot of things, like calling my dad back, responding to Adam's voicemails, eating, moving, even. What was the point? I remember once saying that I found like in Khan; was it really that surprising that he took me with him? I didn't want to be dead, but I already was rotting from the inside.

By the time I dressed up properly and exited the hotel was a glorious day. It was late in the night, or early in the morning, somewhere near 3:00am. The hotel was quite and I felt oddly calmed by the stillness. I can still recall the way the terrace looked like. It was spacious, and completely vacant, at that moment. The fresh air felt nice, December's chill still striking me weakly. I felt a certain force pulling my head up. Honestly, it was like it was begging me to look up. It caught my breath to see such a sight.

Stars. Khan.

They were shining so brightly. I swear, even to this day, they were brighter than I've ever seen them, and ever saw them again. It was Khan. He was up there. Watching me.

It was the very next day I packed up my things and moved into my dad's condo house. Meeting him was just beautiful. His face had aged and back curved into a small hunch, as well. He kissed me countless times, hugging me endlessly. I remember him crying in such a careless, happy way.

_"I never expected this day to come," he blubbered._

He was remarried to this sweet woman named Grace. She was Norwegian with short blonde hair and square hips. We didn't know each other at all, but she cried, too. And this touched me. She probably cried because my dad was so happy, and this made me happy and warm on the inside. They let me sleep in the quest room they had, which was pretty small and crowded. I remember hauling the extra sofa chairs out into the living room. Sinking into the bed that night was blissful. I felt like maybe I'd be okay. Pancakes in the morning was a great way to shake to shake my morning thoughts of Khan away.

A week moving in, I started going outside more. I wouldn't stay in 'cause it was a little cold out. I rolled around in the snow just like all the other kids and laughed and made myself catch a harsh cold. Being sick felt great. I had Dad and Grace handing my hot chocolate and baby blankets, and giving me fuzzy socks with pink patterns across the front. They had old Christmas reruns on T.V. that I watched with total interest.

It was hard to get over the fact that life went on here without me. In a way, I wanted Earth to stop spinning for my absence. In other, though, it was so fun to look and admire all the things I missed. Dad and Grace never, not once, mentioned how things we're between Khan and I. I liked it this way. I liked that they let me go on with my own pace.

I called Adam back a few weeks after I moved back in with my dad. I invited him over for dinner. I remember hanging up that phone after making our plans. Khan's punch into my gut came then, or the feeling, anyways. The guilt was strong. My excitement was stronger. I tried so hard to forget Khan, but I also never wanted to forget him. Changing my mind set into believing that what I was doing wasn't wrong was tough. I never fully achieved. I suppose I learned how to cope with it.

Dinner was nice. I suddenly loved hanging out with my family. I saw Adam in a different light, too. He stayed quite late that night. We didn't do much, just watched whatever was on cable as Dad and Grace went up to bed. Adam bid me goodnight later, leaving me feeling _okay_. I hadn't felt _okay _in a while.


	25. Hegemony

It all comes back in flashes, you know? Often I'd see a certain colour or an arrangement of light and shade that reminded me of the ship. I usually saw fluorescent lights in fancy restaurants and the feel of the bed sheets in Adam's.

When a flash came, my body would just freeze and take in as much of that moment as I could. I wanted to feel from the past. The flashes brought me closer to Khan. Although I slept alone, Khan's laughter sneaked into my dreams. He'd be standing there, as if he was always waiting for me. His hands would feel so real and his hair would glimmer exactly like I remembered it. We would never say much, or not that I could recall what we spoke of. I usually only remembered him and what he looked like. Or how he was always so inviting and welcoming towards me. And then, as quick as it started, it would end.

For a long time, I actually became quite spiritual. I used to believe that it was Khan, in heaven or in another form of afterlife, reaching me in my dreams. I used to think it was the only way he could communicate with me. Of course, this made me sleep very often.

The dreams, though, I don't know why, but they left. Khan began to be in less and less of them. I started dreaming about my Dad, old friends I used to have, too. I dreamt of Starfleet, a past volleyball coach, once. Khan and my mind parted, and that's precisely when I stopped believing in spirituality. It was all just a sham.

Adam and I ended up going on many outings together. He took me to little fast food places, swimming pools, museums, movies, parks and so on. I felt quite like a child with him. It was like a parent dragging you around on their daily antics, except I was actually enjoying it. Adam was real funny, too. He made me laugh in the most peaceful, innocent way.

I was constantly comparing him to Khan.

Adam never talked about what happened to me until I finally agreed to have dinner at his place. Adam lived in a large condominium near lovely fields and greenery. I loved the fresh air all around me as we walked into his lobby. The red carpets made me feel special and the way Adam said 'come on' made it even better. I remember scurrying after him onto the elevator. Adam lived on the top floor, the nicest place in the whole building.

_"__**Mi casa**__," he said, smiling. Adam pushed the door open, revealing a very spacious, large room. The floor was carpeted with a blueish colour, a bland couch straight in the middle of the room, a bit slanted towards the widescreen, thin television. Off to the left was a kitchen, the floor turning tiled. __**White and glowing. **__I shook away that thought and stepped forward. Noticing Adam shrugging his shoes off, I did the same, the soft carpet feeling softer against my clothed feet. To the right, a big, dark red fireplace sat. _

_"It's nice," I murmured. _

_"It's not much, you know. But it's home." He was being cliché on purpose. I giggled, walking closer to the sofa and feeling it with my hands. I sat up on the top and dropped myself backwards, sinking into the cushions. I wore a simple dress today with black leggings. In a way, I really wanted Adam to look at my legs. He walked past me, slightly nudging my foot playfully. I tried to kick him back but he was too far. I grinned. _

_He, once, liked to be playful. _

_I watched from my warped view as Adam got the matchbox from the concrete topping of the fireplace, leaning against the wall, and threw a lighten one into the wood. After two tries, a little spark burst and he immediately moved the wood around for the fires advantage. He stood up from his crouched stance and sat next to my upside-down form, looking down. I swung my legs gently across his legs, careful not to hit his face in the process. Resting my head against the side of the couch, I felt my pace quicken. It was quite, just the sound of the crackling fire. He laid his hand against my left foot, slowly feeling it up. _

_Without another word, I got up casually, hopefully not making it seem urgent, like the way I felt it to be. A sense of guilt came upon me; I was the one who edged him on, and there I was, again, cancelling. I couldn't help myself._

_It reminded me too much of Him._

_I made my way to the wall, where two large bookcases surrounded the fireplace. They were covered with two glass doors each, keeping all the dimly lit, coloured books hidden, along with some trinkets thrown in there. I opened one door up, skimming the titles. _

_"From Earth to the Moon, Five Weeks in a Balloon, The Mysterious Island. You must really like Jules Verne," I said slyly. _

_"He's a god," Adam smirked. _

_Yes, He was a god. _

_"His writing is a gift from the heavens. His books are amazing," Adam continued. I read some of the other titles, like The Secret Garden, Huckleberry Fin, along with some others by Edger Allan Poe. _

_"You got a soft spot for the classics?" I asked. I heard the couch groan as Adam got up and stood next to me. He stood close, his features becoming well and clear for me. I could see out of the corner of my eye, the way his blue eyes shone, a lively, excited colour swimming in them. I could also see the way his hair curled and crunched, despite how short it was cut. The collar on his right side wasn't straightened properly but I couldn't utterly care less. Brushing my fingers on the books' spines, I picked up the photograph that stood there. _

_"That's my brother and I. We were, what, in our early twenties." _

_"You look so young. So cute," I laughed. His face in the photo was lighter, not as hardened. The way his clothes hung on him also showed how his body wasn't done growing yet. I could see the change now as Adam finally shaped out. _

_"What's your brothers name?" I asked. _

_"Will." _

_"You look like him. He's the older one, right?"_

_'"Yeah." I out the photo back and reached downwards for the next one. It was a huge family portrait. _

_"That's Will's wedding," Adam told me, taking another picture from the right. I put one I had back and looked down at his. _

_"That your family?"_

_"Yeah. My mom, my dad, Will, my dad's mom and her boyfriend and then his brother." Every single person in the photo was smiling. It made me insanely jealous and insanely even more affectionate towards Adam. _

I couldn't keep holding myself back anymore.


End file.
